I went to a vegan restaurant once. Wait, no, that was just a florist.
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Art teacher: Take your seats, the model is ready
Me: *Disrobes and strikes a pose*
Model: Who the hell are you
I did my three minute river dance routine outside his bedroom window and my hot neighbor still doesn’t want to date me
This is bullshit
Plastic bags biodegrade quicker than my mum getting to the point on the phone.
Any minute now these two ziplock halves will actually connect. Any. Minute. Now.
DISCIPLES: Why did it take you 3 days to come back from the dead?
JESUS: [remembering all the times he hit snooze] All the praying and stuff.
I see a cute girl on the bus. I unzip my hoodie to reveal a t-shirt that says, “I love holy matrimony”. She pats on the open seat beside her.
Me: *quits life and moves into a pillow fort*
Them: You need to live in the present.
Me: *covers fort in wrapping paper*
My neighbor bought a fancy ride-on mower for a quarter-acre backyard. That’s like buying a motorcycle you only ride to the mailbox.
If I ever go missing, put up fliers saying I left a dog in a hot car so people will actually look for me.
Me)Print
Printer)No
Me)Print
Printer)No
Me)PRINT
Printer)No
Me)PRINT!!!
Printer)Here’s 8,000
if I am elected governor I will eat your pillow while you sleep and unlike my opponent I will also do it if I am not elected
There are 2 kinds of parents
“Stop climbing on the countertops! Get down! You’re going to fall and hurt yourself. DON’T JUMP!”
and
“Climb over and get Momma those cookies, while you’re up there!”
Any psychic who needs a door bell to let them know someone is there is probably not worth the money.
*Mother driving me to an appt in the city as I clutch the passenger seat, white knuckled, terrified
Me: You drive like an old lady!
Her: That’s not very nice.
*swerves to avoid oncoming vegetable truck
Me: WE ARE GOING TO DIE
Her: Good thing I’m already an old lady.
Wife: Who is it?
Me [hand over phone]: The police, they say it’s now illegal to fake throw a ball
Dog in other room: [hangs up his phone]
Asked my friend how he’s been and he replied saying he wasn’t doing so great and tbh he’s in a bad state right now.
I told him so many people have been there and can commiserate, but he’s gotta keep going and just remember: Rhode Island doesn’t take too long to drive through.
kidnapper: if u don’t eat this salad we’ll kill ur friend
me:
kidnapper:
me: which friend
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
[using tweezers to yank out a splinter]
*extreme rat noises*
Netflix: “Are you still watching? Do you have any hobbies?”
Wife: what’s wrong?
Me *halfway through eating a horse* I’m not as hungry as I thought
The first generation gentle parent in me resisting the urge to say ‘that’s what happens when you don’t pick up your shit’ when my kid falls over a toy.
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
Autocorrect changed ‘lover’ to ‘liver’ and that’s ok because I need one of those too.
Pikachu found the lost joint
This is true.
Me: I’m an actor
Date: Oh that’s cool!
Me: Have you seen “No Country For Old Men?”
Date: I love that movie!
Me: Yeah it’s awesome. Anyway, haven’t booked any roles yet.
Left a plaster cast of my mouth at the bakery so they know exactly how big to bake the cupcakes
My wife hates snakes. But if they sold snakes at Target, we’d probably have a few snakes.
It’s true I hear voices in my head but they speak Russian so I have absolutely no idea what they’re saying