Got introduced to a person at work then immediately forgot his name, so now I have to hire a private investigator to follow him home and find out his name because I am a guy and guys will never admit we forgot your name
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*young woman walks by
Wife: Wow, she looks really good, don’t you think?
Me: NO WAY, I’M NOT GOING TO FALL FOR THAT
Who’s your best friend?
What kind of adapter do I need for this outlet?
Unfortunately, not even me offering to cut my toenails could save the relationship.
Welcome to middle age. The hair on your head is fragile and falls out. The hair on your chin could reel in a shark.
him: i like athletic girls
me [dips oreo in milk]: check out this sweet dunk
him: not like that
I like to think of myself as a guy who doesn’t scare too easily but I just beat the shit out of a motion activated air freshener.
When your wife asks if men think about sex every 7 seconds the correct answer is “I think of you all the time dear” & not “Sex with who?”.
A good lawyer can generally cite a couple hundred laws off the top of their head and that’s still fewer rules than the games my 11 y/o invents and makes me play with her.
[Date]
“I’m going to use the restroom *leans over table* and I counted my onion rings, there’s six.”
I got a message on Facebook that said, “Your a lawyer, right?”
Me, “*You’re.”
May have lost a new client but they learned something today.
If he asks you to be his girlfriend say yes and then hide from him so he can never break up with you.
He was a good dog. He was a beautiful, very good dog. Who was a good dog? Who’s a beautiful, good boy? Was it you? It was.—Dog obituary
I love how people act like they don’t want to be followed in the street yet they keep looking back at you to see if you’re still there.
Waiting for the local donut park to open 🙂
Date: Have you ever been to an animal hospital?
Me: No *imagines a dog holding a stethoscope* but I want to
I can’t get out of bed. These blankets have accepted me as one of their own and If I leave now I might lose their trust.
lost a tooth? replace it with a chiclet. got a bum ticker? put a clock inside your ribs. got raccoon eyes? give them back, silly. those don’t belong to you
Do you ever wonder if your parents spoil your kids to get back at you for what you put them through as a teenager? Because I’m totally thinking of doing that.
My horoscope today just said “NOPE”
Top 3 screwdrivers:
1. Tool for turning screws
2. Vodka and orange juice
3. Method of Uber payment
“Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go.” – Me to my children.
If you’re curious what the priciest item in a store is just bring a kid along because they’ll definitely find then break it
Her: undress me with your words
Me: ummm… There’s a spider in your panties?
Surprise sex is by far the best thing to wake up to! …Unless you’re in prison.
JUDGE: i sentence you to life in prison
MY LAWYER WHO IS A HOUSE FLY: nice that’s only like 11 days
The way I ordered pistachio cannolis sounded like a drug deal.
Go downtown, not too far, turn left at the coffee spot, look for a little red sign, it’s not big, maybe a foot, go in and ask for Angelo, tell him Amanda sent you.
My 1-year-old thinks turtles say “vroom vroom.” I hesitate to correct her because who knows what’s what anymore? Maybe turtles are fast now.
How did so many people gain weight during the pandemic when salad was the only thing stores never ran out of?
wow he looks just like him