if u disregard the teeth, shark attacks are actually kinda cute
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Friend: What’s it like living in a large family?
Me: It’s like the tv show Survivor except we’re all related.
I always wanted to die like a king.
According to the increase in my cheese intake it looks like that king will be Elvis Presley.
My greatest hope is for my eulogy to start with “Her reign of terror is finally over.”
My new dentist called me back in to make another mold of my teeth. Needless to say he made a terrible 1st impression.
emergency phone
Why didn’t any of Spider-man’s enemies attack him with an enormous broom.
Therapist: the best revenge is to heal and move on
Me:
Therapist:
Me: are you sure, that doesn’t sound right?
Went jogging and on the way back had to call an Uber. Faked an ankle injury and prayed it wasn’t the same driver as the last time.
Me: Time heals all wounds.
Murderer: *stabbing me* Way to keep a positive attitude, but that’s probably inaccurate.
No matter how much you drink Michael Bay is still somewhere directing a “Transformers” movie.
[Snail Court]
Snail Lawyer: Permission to approach the bench, Your Honor?
Snail Judge: I’m sorry; we don’t have that kind of time.
Moms are dying for the day they build a daycare inside a spa inside a Xanax factory inside a vineyard.
Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Such a sudden rush of happiness!
Friend: *Nodding* Endorphins
Me: No, just whales
I love how when you walk through a spider web, you all of the sudden know Kung Fu.
[explaining the plot of my favorite book to my date]
me: so you know how most caterpillars are only a little hungry?
TV Anchor: I don’t have my Halloween costume yet but it’s going to be cool and wet!
Me: Wow you go girl!
TVA: turning to weather…
M: Oh…
The sound that tennis players make but I’m just picking my socks up off the floor.
Do I have to wear real clothes?
-my kid on the last day of school
If anyone’s looking for a new podcast recommendation, check out the one I listened to over the weekend. Can’t remember what it was called but it offered a fascinating insight into its chosen topic. Well worth a listen if you get a chance 👍
Me: *sipping* well ain’t you a tall glass of vodka
Her: *blushing* aww thank you but the expression is “tall glass of water”
Me: oh hey, didn’t see you there
For Lent, I am giving up “JESUS”.
PS: To be clear, I won’t use his name as my first attempt on Wordle for the next 40 days.
[Gets shot by mugger]
Girl walks by: omg are u ok?
I’m dying [sees she isn’t wearing a ring] I mean I’m fine but not as fine as you, sup?
Time estimates:
“Give me one sec” – Within the hour
“I’ll be one minute” – An hour or two
“I’m on it” – Maybe today
“In a bit” – Sometime this week
“It’s on my list” – Perhaps this month
“Leave it with me” – Possibly never
“If I have time” – Never
IF POT GETS LEGALIZED WHAT’S TO STOP SOMEONE WHO WANTS TO SMOKE A HORSE
Me: I did a line!
Grandma: you’re supposed to say Bingo
Me: *wiping coke off my nose* what
On my way to Mordor
you nerds need anything?
i dont know much about politics but have we ever tried turning a senator into a llama and teaming him up with a working guy to teach him empathy
The inventor of inappropriate innuendo has died
His family are taking it really hard
At my age, “you shook me all night long” sounds like a complaint.
3-in-1 shampoo/conditioner/KFC gravy