Just found out my old gym is a 5 Guys now
Renewed my membership this morning
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I always end up at the store behind people who’ve never been to a store.
ME: this is great
INSTRUCTOR: you’ve never used a gun before, huh?
ME: [throwing another gun at the target] I need more guns
Overheard in hair salon: “I have LITERALLY no shorts. Like I seriously have only 4 or 5 pairs of shorts.”
This is why I can’t stand people.
Her: Babe, you know there are 206 bones in the human body. Maybe later, mine will have *sexily* 207?
Him: *Googling “can girls grow extra bones”*
*gets whistled at, but by traffic cop
[me, in front of the firing squad] are you mad at me
The right response to “I’m a bit tied up at the moment” isn’t “what are you wearing?”
Apparently.
All Amazon reviews are like
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: best product ever!
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: so amazing must buy
⭐️: DONT TRUST THE REVIEWS!! THIS PRODUCT KILLED MY FAMILY
the noise i just made
Me: “I updated the employee handbook like you asked.”
Boss: “This is just a book with pics of everyone’s hands.”
Me: “Pretty cool, right?”
OMG YOU SHOULD DO A CARTWHEEL RIGHT NOW
– alcohol
Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds.
Them: Ok, What about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: *narrows eyes and looks intently over the trees* Yes, they’re all birds.
Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: I usually stay pretty still.
I just hope Matrix Resurrections ends with Neo teaching Agent Smith the true meaning of Christmas.
Apple want $3,500 for their Vision Pro. No thanks. I can look like a dork for free.
[first day as a detective]
cop: there were no footprints at the crime scene
me: *under breath* birds
Welcome to the middle age, there is no more a 5 second rule coz who tf can lift stuff in 5 seconds
My son is on guitar, my daughters are on drums and harmonica, and I’m on my second ibuprofen.
I dated a 21 year old for 3 months before she looked up from her phone and realized I wasn’t Tobey Maguire
“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“You thought I’d like your pretty lights?”
“Recite the alphabet backwards”
“I can’t even do that sober”
Saw a guy with flames tattooed all over his face. I hope someday he finds a girl who has marshmallows tattooed all over hers.
I bought one follower just to see what it was like and he showed up at my job and his name is Eddie and he’s kind of freaking me out guys.
holiday horror movie idea: you have 10 days to complete a completely reasonable task that takes 20 minutes to do
I’m not proud of the person I become when I see a cheese tray at a party.
At my funeral, feed me into a woodchipper and point it at the mourners
Me: Ugh! These jeans are too tight!
*opens bag of chips*
Whenever someone says “I don’t have a horse in that race” I respond with “You don’t have a horse at all, Reggie. You have a cat & diabetes.”
I have good and bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
We need a new front door
WIFE: And the good news?
[points to Monster Truck in living room]
The 4 Secrets to Succeeding in Business:
– Don’t get mauled to death by a lion
– Don’t get mauled to death by a shark
– Don’t get mauled to death by a bear
– Don’t get mauled to death by a wolf(You can’t succeed in business if you’ve been mauled to death by an animal)