captain: enemy sub approaching, activate the sauna
1st mate: dont you mean sonar
captain (already in towel): full steam ahead
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Make new friends? bro out of what?
He obviously thinks I’m some kind of maritime explorer, like calm down Magellan
Don’t make me out nice you.
Don’t waste time thinking about what’s wrong with you. Instead, focus on what’s wrong with other people.
This hospital has everything
Apparently the people at this laundromat don’t appreciate me folding their underwear for them. Lame.
Me:
My cat: wow you sure nap a lot
20s: I want to see the world!
40s: If I do all of my food shopping on Sunday I won’t have to go outside for a week.
Police: Sir, you account is hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Police: No, bank account.
Me: Oh, thank god !!
When I see snails in my path, I like to gently pick them up out of if harms way, and ‘whizz’ them magically a few metres, and plop them where they were headed. Keeps them safe, but I also like to think they later share their teleportation tales with other snails.
I’m currently in between meals and not very happy about it
I like to hike with a bag of pork chops. That way if I run into a bear, I won’t die hungry
if food packaging listed side effects like drug labels do:
ice cream: intense pleasure followed by self loathing
kale: smug sense of superiority
bacon: bacon
he looks great for his age
gf: that guy hit on me, make him pay
me: [to guy] u need to buy our drinks
*getting attacked by a bear in France*
ME: Gnaw me like one of your French girls.
If you’re ever having a bad day, just watch this video of a man trying to deep-fry gnocchi
Sleep is the body’s best safety mechanism. It keeps you from screwing things up for 8 hours.
Protip: Never ask an accountant “What have I got to lose?”
Fried chicken is unhealthy, especially for the chicken.
PMS is no joke, you guys. I just ate like three bags of Reese’s Pieces.
Oh, and my wife’s really being a bitch.
Women have to be pissed knowing female kangaroos have an ingrown, biological fanny pack when they can’t even get pockets in their pants.
My kids couldn’t give two shits about personal hygiene unless we are running late somewhere
Meanwhile, at the bar:
Batman: “Whisky.”
Aquaman: “Appletini.”
“WHAT?”
“It’s vodka, apple schnapps…”
“You’re off the Justice League.”
Every heartwarming human interest story in america is like “he raised $20,000 to keep 200 orphans from being crushed in the orphan-crushing machine” and then never asks why an orphan-crushing machine exists or why you’d need to pay to prevent it from being used.
The old expression “dollars to donuts” accurately describes my method of currency exchange.
Daddy, why is grandma so bitter?
I don’t know, son; seems to run in the family. Your great uncle tasted awful
I have to go stand in line at Gamestop now because I had a careless night of unprotected sex 13 years ago and Halo 5 is out today.
Homebuyers tip: Bring a little ball to the open house and place it on the floor. If it rolls on its own, then either the house is not level (bad) or the spirit of a young child haunts the property (depends).