I like to yell “Stranger danger!”whenever my boss introduces me to a new client.
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( 12pm. )
Friends: Want to go grab some lunch?
Me: Nah, I’m on a diet.
( 12am )
Me:
School be like
“Please don’t make a scene.” -Horrible movie director
Everything I know about sex I learned from Tetris: rotate it and hope it fits in another slot
Chefs who can’t admit failure present:
Soft-boiled eggs
Steak tartare
Twice-baked potatoes
Sour cream
Calzones
Pineapple upside down cake
A naked man brushed his teeth next to me as I washed my hands. This is why I don’t go to the gym often.
Movie idea: a gang of precision bank robbers, who were—now get this—trained…by…a…Doberman.
Having another child is like finally learning how to juggle hacky sacks and someone throws in a bowling ball.
wife & I started scheduling date night between midnight & 7am, we just sleep the whole time, but at least we’re doing something together
It’s amazing how people will leave you alone if you just commit to faking a British accent all day
A tenable situation implies the existence of an elevenable situation
He rose from mild mannered Social Studies teacher…
To vicious kingpin of a criminal cupcake empire.Coming soon to AMC:
“BAKING BRAD”
I’m a lover, not a fighter. So if anyone is giving you trouble and you need me to have sex with them, I’m your man.
My parents have been together for 40 years, and I don’t even like seeing the same cashier twice in a row at the grocery store.
seems the leprechauns have supply chain issues just like everybody else
Daughter found the wrinkle cream and when I told her what it was for she said, “Daddy, you should use that when you grow up” so I guess my point here is maybe 4 isn’t too young for a pony.
I can’t be the only one worried about where spiders go in winter.
Neighbour said, “Stop using our hot tub while we’re not home!” So I only use it at night while they’re sleeping.
[Watching 101 Dalmatians with a cute girl]
Hold up, hold up. Pause it, please. Thanks. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine,
I used my husband’s shoes to check the mail and was immediately compelled to ask the neighbor kids why they trust the trees since they’re so shady
[robot gleefully steals another job from a human]
[.0003 seconds later]
This is crap
Why did I even want this
What have I done
According to my credit card statement Amazon is a hobby
when I was little, I always wanted to explore in my mom’s bedside table and she was horrified if I would even touch the drawer.
now I know it’s because that’s where women hide the good snacks
Taking a break from my mental health to focus on Twitter
The amount of cream cheese I smear on a bagel when I’m dining out is VERY different than when I’m at home. Alone. With my tub of cream cheese.
Instead of a dress code every senator should get to choose how one other senator dresses.
[stays up all night examining my issues and identifying which descriptors best express my feelings of dysregulation]
the second i get to therapy:
idk I just feel blah
VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
Rather than waste money on charity for the homeless, let’s invest in splicing their genes with snails so they always have their own shelter.
*gets a full 8 hours of sleep*
Me: That’s suspicious