Fun fact: it’s impossible to try to kiss your own neck without looking like you’ve had a stroke
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My location is on so my wife can see that I am where I say I am.
My wife’s location is on so I can hide the drinking glass and start cleaning while she’s on her way home from work.
If you upload these, I hope you enjoy hell.
Girls are girls. They will wait for your reply without texting you!
Margo: And why is the snow all wet, TODD?
Todd: I don’t KNOW, Margo!
My 5 year old was looking at the meerkats in the zoo amazed and I said “aren’t they so cute” and he was like “I want to cook the babies and make soup.”
Me: “Hey doc, what’s that condition where you wake up and everything hurts?”
Doctor: “40”
ALADDIN: i can show you the world
JASMINE: wat why. do u kno that there are people out there. why do u think we live ina palace. no thank u
I could never live off the grid. Crunchwrap Supremes are found exclusively on the grid.
These people at the theater are looking at me like they’ve never seen a grown woman hugging a stuffed animal at a scary clown movie before
I’m starting a Kickstarter to bring a lion from Africa and let it loose in a dentist’s office.
The only time my ex will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground.
cop searching my car and finding little notes i hid everywhere that say i love the police
“We are Three Percenters. We are everywhere.”
If you are only 3% you cant be everywhere.
It literally says so in your name.
[Me using a ouija board]
-Where are you communicating from?
T A S M A N I A
-Oh shit we called the wrong devils
We woke up to a noise.
I grabbed a bat.
He grabs a can of body spray.
“Really? Gunna make this burglar irresistible to women huh?”
If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
Tour guides often say to me “that’s a great question,” but I like to dig deeper. What was the wow factor? Let’s spend some time on this.
[in bed]
Me: Don’t you love being on top?
Date: *peering down from top bunk* this isn’t what I had in mind
Me: shhh, you’re gonna wake my mom
Your date leans in and whispers “I’m not wearing panties.” You shiver. She continues: “I pooped a little and had to throw them away.”
I once had a broken tooth repaired in France. I still chew with a slight accent.
Worst Friday the 13th ever. Someone stole the baby Jason from our nativity set.
Do you rake up your leaves or do you wait until the wind blows them all over into neighbor’s yard like a normal person?
[SyFy pitch meeting]
Me: A hurricane of cats! PURRICANE!
Producer: Hmmm
Me: A tidal wave of cows! MOONAMI!
Producer: I’m gonna say no
Me: An earthquake of ducks! EARTHQUACK!
Producer: Please leave
Me: *being dragged out by security* FLYPHOOOooon
*reading a book to kindergarteners*
jack & jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water…{i look up, shaking my head}…because of course we all know that water is frequently found at the highest point in the village
If you pitch a non-superhero, non-remake, non-sequel film in Hollywood they send your family to a work camp.
‘Hey mommy look, a bone! Just like we have in our bodies.’
-my 5 year old eating fried chicken and dangerously close to connecting some dots.
“Who am I?” she beckoned the stars.
Stars: We’ve gone over this a million times. You are a geisha caveman.
[Drug deal]
How do I know you’re not a cop
-If I was a cop would I do this?
*Starts breakdancing*
Thats not as much proof as you think it is
“please feel free to ignore this email” – respectful, timely communication, probably requesting something that I can handle in a couple minutes
“I need this ASAP” – well you shoulda asked yesterday pal
A woman at my gym has a jellyfish tattoo on her arm.
So I peed on her