Got him!
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idk how to explain it but this cat Iook british 😭😭
Usage Guidelines
Me: hello I’ve run out of toilet paper
Front desk: oh I’m sorry for the inconvenience
Me: oh no worries, but I’ve also run out of towels
Great. Only a single slice of bread left in the bag. That means until I find another slice, everything that happens today is in the sandwich
I’m not the fun “Why not?” friend, I’m the friend who will tell you why not.
Just put the vaccine inside donuts, ok.
something magical should happen if you eat enough saltwater taffy. maybe a mermaid drags you into the ocean
Had that dream again where I was the Pied Piper…but I was playing the saxophone and all the moms in the neighborhood were following me around.
Food was bad, cabins were dirty, everyone but me was gruesomely killed. Liked the paddle boats. 1/2 star. -Yelp review of Camp Crystal Lake
me at 18: i have hundreds of friends i could ask to hang out with me tonight
me now: maybe the weird dude who spit on me on the train this morning would like to be the best man at my wedding
The hiring manager calling me for an interview just said uhm about 300 times. Does that mean I got the job?
Paranormal activity camera 3:33am…
Only catches me eating a chicken leg while doing the robot in my underwear.
“He sure seems like a nice young man” is Grandma-speak for “I’d totally hit that.”
This day in history. 1881. A man in Großliebenthal Ukraine hit by an 8 kg stone deduced that it was a meteorite as his wife was out of town.
Husband: Eat a carrot they are good for your eyes!
6: I’m good mommy thinks I look cute in my glasses.
NOBODY MOVE I LOST AN HOUR
Longest English word:
‘pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosi’Longest Spanish word: ‘GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLL’
“And why do you want to work at the aquarium?”
* imagines me with a mermaid tail swimming in the giant tank after hours*
I like fish
If we’re out of croutons, I’ll just turn the toaster upside down and shake it over my salad.
If insanity is repeating the same action expecting a different outcome, should I just wait til my kids are in college to clean the house?
setting a small grass fire next to my inflatable pool and then asking the firefighters to fill it up while they’re here
Boyfriend: I’m home! (looks into garbage can) Hey. Did you eat like five candy bars today?
Me: AM I UNDER INVESTIGATION HERE!?*
*i did
*looks at the customer behind me in the checkout line*
“Wanna hold hands while we wait?”
Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even?
Apparently on Facebook you can “like” that someone “liked” something. I just liked the movie “Inception”, and now we wait.
“Would you rather be right or—“
YES
If you bring back your paper bags at Whole Foods, they’ll give a refund of 5 cents. After a year you’ll have enough money to buy an orange.
Detective: I need to dust for prints, but I can’t find my kit.
Me, eating Cheetos: Here’s a wild idea…
they split up moments later
The stages of sharing a vacation rental with another family are:
1. Wish we were more like them
2. At least we’re not like them