Memories are a bit fuzzy — but regrets? They’re in 8K and Dolby Vision.
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Friend: I’m so tired of remakes and reboots and sequels! Make something original!
Me: Don’t you write Transformers fan fiction?
Friend: It’s GoBots fan fiction, and shut up.
[at family gathering]
Me: *shoving jumbo shrimp in my mouth*
Mom: Where are your manners?
Me: *points over at sister* She has them.
What kind of rifle do comedians use?
JK47’s.
Shoot me.
To my writer friends. Just keep going. I was rejected over 48 times before I got my 49th rejection.
Sometimes I like to think that at the end of a long day, the chips and dip in my kitchen see me and think, “We thought you’d never come back for us!”
“THE WORLD IS GOING TO END!”
2012: omg please no
2016: are we doing this or not
[ walking down the soap and detergent isle at the store ]
14: it smells like chores in here
There’s a couple breaking up so loudly on the sidewalk in front of my house! He said WHO ARE YOU GONNA TAKE TO YOUR SISTER’S WEDDING NEXT WEEKEND? She said MOZZARELLA STICKS! Which is a valid and devastating blow.
My 6yo just told me that because I need music to get motivated that makes me ‘radioactive’
you can tell it’s bedtime when the kids start blaming each other for it being bedtime, as if each brother magically and maliciously made time pass more quickly for the other
me: (reaches for the bill) no no, i got it
my date, grabbing her stuff to leave my apartment: thank u for paying your own electric bill
Boss: How were your weekends?
Steve: I coached my son’s soccer team
Alice: I helped friends move and volunteered at an animal shelter
Me: I dreamed my clothes were made of peanut butter and jelly
“I know it doesn’t look good on paper, but hear me out guys, Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na BATMAN!!!!”
DoorDash is great if you like having a sandwich and also 13 emails
I’d walk through fire for my daughter. Well not FIRE, because it’s dangerous. But a super humid room. But not too humid, because my hair.
I ate all of my Halloween candy. I sure hope these kids like Milkbones.
*puts up baby gates all around the outside of my house*
There. That should keep ’em out.
Why do drugs after 30 when you can just stand up too fast?
Our toilet seat lid broke. My husband is shopping Amazon for a new seat. “We can save 11% by getting a used one!”
can I use a minion as a tampon
My Uber driver: (quiet, minding their own business)
Me: are you mad at me?
ME: Hey bro you got toilet paper?
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Yeah [slides me toilet paper]
ME: No I don’t need any I’m just checking.
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Why?
ME: Because I care.
*at the bakery*
Baker: “I’m sorry. We’re out of buns, but we have other baked goods.”
Me, with my pet anaconda: “Listen, hun…”
I finally got some me time away from the kids. Two whole hours. It would’ve been longer but my legs went numb crouching behind the dryer.
Considering they were routinely burned alive, a coven is a pretty unfortunate name for a collection of witches.
iPods will never teach kids to be ready to jump over sofas to push the “Rec” button on the tape deck when your song comes on.
Me: When’s your break today?
Him: Not sure. I’ll send you a DM
*doorbell rings*
Demi Moore: Ok, he’s ready for lunch
a one man band getting kicked out of a zumba class
Why do the French eat snails?
Because they don’t like fast food.
I wear a cape when I’m driving so if I get pulled over the cop will think I’m going somewhere to fight crime.