Honestly people shouldn’t even be allowed to talk until they’re like 35 years old.
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Sometimes I think I’m the only Brit trying to use up all this spice we stole
My mom didn’t give a shit what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern…”
When our food came, I suddenly blanked on “bon appetite” and blurted out “mea culpa,” but she seemed fine with it.
If I got kidnapped I’d just be like, “fine – you worry about dinner now.”
ME: What’s the capital of Germany?
SON: G
ME: So college is a no then?!
“I’ll be back for you real soon” I whisper to the leftover lasagne
[Heaven]
Me: What happened?
God: You were sending a DM & got hit by a bus.
Me: I only have one ques-
God: Sorry, man. She was totes a dude.
When I count my blessings, I count you twice, subtract 4, multiply by 8, and divide by 15 because I don’t know how math or blessings work.
Facebook now tags fake news stories from sites like The Onion with #satire to protect users who lack 1st grade critical thinking skills.
Apparently in yoga when the instructor says, ‘next we go into our downward dog,’ it is frowned upon to make the ‘bowchickabowow’ sound.
*Arrives in Hell*
Devil: Here, help these 5th graders with common core math
I like to mute CNN and imagine they’re arguing about what appetizer, or appetizers, to order at TGIFridays.
WIFE: *spells out words so the kids won’t know what she is saying*
ME: [to the kids] I don’t know either.
Me: the floor is lava
Pompeii: everything is lava
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
The internet was a mistake. Civilization was a mistake. Evolving was a mistake. We could be sitting in trees eating delicious bananas right now, but instead we’re here getting Very Angry Online.
[talking loudly on my phone trying to distract the security guard during bank robbery] no no. dunston checks in is about the monkey. jaws is about the shark
I wouldn’t walk 500 miles and then walk 500 more for anyone. I’d drive across town though maybe.
[me, in a sting operation]
Can I buy your best stuff?
DRUG DEALER: what do u mean by stuff?
*talking into my shirt* what do I mean by stuff?
Anakin went out for a pack of Siths and didn’t come back until his daughter was a big shot politician and his son was halfway through Jedi College
Casual: Rob a bank
Fancy: Robert a bank
Keeping an extra close eye on 7 since she said that The Grinch is good at everything after she watched him spin his head around
Boss: We’re doing a role-playing exercise today
Me: *dressed as a sexy nurse* Hell yeah
Boss: My office please
Me: Ooooh
Boss: Not like that
12yo daughter: *SCREAMS*
Me: WHAT?!12yo: A spider!
Me: It’s just a spider12yo: I don’t want it to bite me!
Me: You’ll never be a super hero w/that attitude
911: Your emergency?
-Karen asked me a question.
911: Not an emergency.
-She asked if I could be more pacific.
911: Cars are on their way.
Spider-Man: Hey. Are you okay?
Thor: It’s just not my day.
Spider-Man: Well it is Thursday though.
Thor:
Kissed a receipt to lighten my lipstick but I need it to return something & now some cashier is gonna think I’m flirting.
me: im just so tired of the monotony of my life, it’s exhausting doing and seeing the same things every day
target employee: you could probably just not come here as much?
I’ve watched Dancing With The Stars with my wife all season and she just asked who I think should win. Quick! Someone tell me who’s on it!