My sister got my 5 year old some glitter slime- that’s right, it’s got glitter AND it’s slime.
She has kids of her own, so it must be that I wronged her in some life-changing and tragic way.
So I’ll be over here trying to figure out what I did to her.
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Screaming into a pillow is therapeutic but it also gets you kicked out of Target.
When you win a game of monopoly the owner of Hasbro shows up to hand you back the last 36 hours of your life.
*5yo curses incessantly after falling.*
*Me realizing where he got it from: 😬*
Hubby: “Are there any trophy stores open? You deserve a mother of the year award.”
My kids found their Kit Kats and then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go into my closet?
“Alexa, call the police. I’ve been burgled.”
…
“Alexa?”
I swear if one more phone call interrupts my internet quiz I will harness whichever Disney villain I am.
dentist: are you flossing?
me: no. my teeth are haunted
dentist: what?
me: they bleed when I floss
dentist: that doesn’t—
me: like the walls in a haunted mansion
dentist: ok
Drink this wine, it’s the blood of Christ.Eat this bread, it’s the body of Christ.Jesus pulls out hotdog, “Now hear me out”
Guess who doesn’t want to hear your kid sing? Everyone. The answer is everyone, so stop it.
Toys R Us went out of business because their mascot was a stupid giraffe when it could’ve been a toy dinosaur called the Toysaurus. It was right there man.
Do other animals have signature tranquilizers, or are horses just especially stressed out?
When I find myself with a simple problem, I stop, take a deep breath, and ask myself, “How can I complicate this?”
King: Good Knight, how fared thy journey?
Knight: ‘Twas long and hard
King: ‘Tis what she proclaimed.
Both: *fist bump*-Medieval Brahs
ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?
VICTIM: No
ME: *writing ‘probably a snake’ in my notepad* Thank you.
Phlebotomist: Have you had blood drawn before, sir?
Rambo: *semi-unintelligible* first, first part II, and last
My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m getting a little worried about my cake.
7am – So tired I could weep.
12pm – I would LITERALLY kill for a nap.
4pm – Is it bedtime yet?
6pm – HOW IS IT NOT BEDTIME YET?
9pm – Perkier
11pm – Hey! Why am I not feeling tired now?
12am – WIDE AWAKE
1am – Reading ‘62 facts you never knew about Harry Potter’ on the internet.
“Miss me yet?” – 2019
No, Karen ….
Gold, Frankincense and Myrrh
is NOT a Jewish law firm.
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wrapped in Christmas lights standing in the mirror.
I’m such a disaster that 9/11 and The Titanic would go out on a date together and watch a movie about me.
riddler: check out aquaman’s new tweet: “on my way to destroy the legion of doom with fam”
lex luthor: you follow aquaman? LOL
others: LOL
Every day before I leave the house, I pat myself in several places. Phone? Wallet? Keys? etc. etc.
I’ve just added a new ending to the search. I say:
Heyyyy Macarena.
Me *remembering my therapist said to be confident enough to answer questions* I’m under the table
Murderer: ok thanks
People that tell us what sex gods they are..what do you want us to do with that information?
ME: Just don’t touch my Pop Tarts and we’ll be okay
PRIEST: *stunned* I’d like to remind everyone that the couple chose to write their own vows
Him [sexy voice]: let’s do it on the couch
Me: ew babe no that’s where we eat
It’s weird how the UFO’s always seem to crash in places that only the government and military have access to.
Yes I did run that bus full of children off the road but I was late for my LARPING championship.
POLICE CHIEF: so did you solve the case
ME: not yet, I spent all week hanging these pictures and newspaper clippings on the wall and connecting them with yarn
CHIEF: …
ME: looks cool doesn’t-
CHIEF: totally looks cool