Before I got a phone I used to just stare at my right hand all day
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I’m worried that if there is ever a fire at my house, my kids will ignore the smoke detectors and sit down at the dinner table.
No thanks, body wraps. If I believed magic would make me thinner, I’d eat a wizard.
Things are getting serious with my new boyfriend. Neither of us have slept with anyone else in eleven months (we met last week)
Just realized the girl I flipped off in the parking lot is in my next class.. This could be awkward.
My boss just choked on a breath mint. It was a tough decision to do the Heimlich maneuver because he really needed that mint.
Wife: can u pick the kids up from school?
Me blowing on the coffee in my ‘Worlds Best Dad Quarter Finalist’ mug: which school do they go to?
Friend: Are you growing your hair out?
Me: I have no idea. Honestly, I never thought I’d live this long
I was raised by my father.
He was a competitive poker player.
[i drop my costco card in front of a hot girl] haha WOOPS! accident. yeah i have a costco membership. not really a big deal tbh
Me: This recipe calls for one red onion…
Onion: Seize the means of production!
Me: Close enough
You ever walk behind someone and you haven’t seen their face yet but you just KNOW they have a mustache
Jeez, you do a Satanic voice into a baby monitor one time and your neighbors never invite you over again.
I want to make some strangers on the internet unreasonably mad today, but first I need to put my cast iron skillet in the dishwasher
Y’know the trouble with nude dancing is that not everything stops when the music does.
FRIEND: hey while I’m on vacation can you come over and feed the cat?
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: to what?
Just Once i’d like the Circus to Run Away with Me
I stopped at a combination Taco Bell and gas station to eat and get gas. Pumps were down, but…mission accomplished.
(Jupiter –
Cats do not subscribe to the laws of physics.
NOOO NOT THE DUOLINGO BIRD ON THE GRILL!!!!
Her: I like Halloween too, but we’re not having kids just so you can get free candy once a year.
Legend of Tarzan 2:
Tarzan meets other primates.
He befriends them all.
He teaches them to fight.
It’s a prequel to Planet of the Apes.
When life gives me lemons, I make lemon meringue pie..because lemonade is for amateurs…& because I’m gay..& we always take it up a notch.
Dracula’s wife: You’ve got a little smudge on your chin.
Dracula: Vhere? Here?
Dracula’s wife: No, a little to the left.
Dracula: Here?
Dracula’s wife: No, a bit to the right. You know what? Just go look in the mi..
Dracula: LOOK INTO WHAT, MARTHA??
Giraffe: That’s the most disgusting thing I’ve ever seen!
[5 min later]
*vomits*
If your kid is having nightmares & keeps getting in bed with you in the night, a great solution is to go to sleep in full clown makeup.
Mouse astronaut, six seconds after setting foot on the moon: I have been lied to
Karate Kid (1984, PG): An old Asian man tricks a bullied teenager into doing household chores for him.
[126 minutes]
Wife just shouted to me to get my big chopper out .After the panic subsided, I realised she meant we were out of firewood for the stove.
I have started going to a psychiatrist about my belief that I’m an owl and I haven’t looked back since.