Björk is probably my favorite singer named after the sound a dodgeball makes
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Everything I know about the Royal family has been learned against my will
Another previously unknown dinosaur was the Thesaurus who used flowery language to confuse and disorient predators while he made his escape
Me: we’re so compatible we finish each other’s
Him: SENTENCES
Me: you interrupt me one more time I will end you
*Opens a window and the wind blows 84 hamburger wrappers from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
My father always told me “You can accomplish anything you set your mind to.” I must have set my mind to calories.
The concentration of salt in ham is so high, you could float on a lake of ham and never sink.
I am good with a paring knife. I like the weight of it in my hand. Sorry, go on, finish your story.
“I hate confrontation”
“No, you don’t”
I bought three dozen eggs at the grocery store and an American Express black card just showed up at my house
me: I think you’ll find my resumé impressive
interviewer: this is a note threatening to…eat the moon?
me: [grabbing it] ah that’s not-*cough*-that’s for something else
Friend w/o kids: I’m planning a meditation retreat next month.
Me: One of my kids has been shaking a metal tin full of coins FOR AN HOUR.
Welcome to parenthood. You’re about to spend an irrational amount of time convincing a sleepy person to go to sleep
Husband: Don’t tell me they forgot my fries again! How does that keep happening?
Me (swallowing quickly ): Weird, right?
My children were pretending to lead a workout class, and one of them stopped and yelled “tater tot break” and this is a fitness trend I can fully embrace.
went to the movies and the whole time my 7 year old kept turning in her seat to look behind us. eventually i asked her what was wrong and she explained that the disclaimer before the movie told her to look out for anything suspicious.
Wanna know why skeletons are so calm?
Because nothing gets under their skin.
If you need motivation to workout this evening, Justin Bieber changed his Instagram name to Bizzle. Now go ahead, get out that aggression.
Curiosity didn’t kill that Black Cat. It was Jesus. It crossed his path and Jesus is very sensitive about being crossed.
Coworker: How are you doing this morning?
Me: *finishing hanging bag of coffee upside down like an IV and tying my arm off* Fine, you?
Boomers: People are too sensitive and need to toughen up
Millennials: People need to care more and help each other out
Gen X: Die Hard is a Christmas movie
I’d like to give a shout-out to the shower curtain, for always sticking by my side
When I was a kid I wanted to join this gang. They all had these crazy symbol tattoos on their midsections.
Ok, I wanted to be a Care Bear.
I listen to Ed Sheeran in the same way I stuff an entire cupcake in my mouth over the sink hoping no one will see.
[avengers trailer drops]
ME: ok wow everyone needs to relax a bit geez
[john wick trailer drops]
ME: EVERYONE SHUT UP KEANU AND HIS DOG ARE IN DANGER
Me: preparing dinner
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: *sorry, I forgot to include the asterisk*
Her: Hello?
I don’t steal the blankets. Gravity is just heavier on my side of the bed
WIFE: good news hun we’re up this quarter.
ME: oh yeah? How much?
WIFE: *holding up a coin* this quarter.
He said he thinks I’m resilient to everything, so I thanked him, but on second thought, he may have low key called me a cockroach
*queen points out window*
“what’s that flashing out the window?”
“Lightning, My Queen”
*car busts thru window*
DID I HEAR LIGHTNING McQUEEN
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.