Interviewer: your resume says you’re very literal
Me: my resume talks??
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We need a streaming service that’s only ads. No shows, just commercials. They pay us $15 a month
At a restaurant I thought a family was praying at the table but then I realized they were all texting.
The mailman asked me to stop my dog from barking and not sure why he thinks I’d side with him, the guy that brings me bills and catalogues I hate, over my dog, the guy that is the most handsome boy in the entire world.
Grass: [grows]
Me: well now, what do you think you’re doing bud? [lawnmower noises]
I’m sorry the hint I dropped on you was tied to an anvil.
Don’t expect a “bless you” after you sprayed me down with your sneeze.
It turns out condoms aren’t 100% effective, unless you actually take them out of your wallet…
I like to throw a fake punch at a hooker’s crotch. If she flinches, I know it’s a dude.
My daughter just asked for nunchucks for her 12th birthday. Have to say, I’m 50% proud, 30% amused and 100% terrified.
Yoga bends.
Yoga stretches.
Yoga realizes is out of shape.
Yoga pants.
I want a pet donkey that will kick people I don’t like on the command, “huh, interesting”.
My house is cleaner than it’s ever been and given that no one is allowed to come over to see it you’ll just have to take my word for it
Everyone: Sleep when your baby sleeps.
My brain: Oh man she’s so cute. Just stare at her for two hours straight until she wakes up again.
Headline: World helium shortage over due to discovery of helium field.
Scientist: (high voice) This new supply of helium is a game-changer
My therapist insisted i try something new each week…
…so i haven’t paid her
Now we wait…
The Internet wins again..👇👇🤣🤣🤣👏👏
Just got asked to promote something on my Twitter. I laughed. My followers would hate that! I was so mad I had to cool down with a Pepsi™
ME: *walks in with ball rammed into my mouth* Happeh nuh?
JUDGE: Not what a gagging order means! Are you sure you want to defend yourself?
Snapchat is going public in March
with a $30 billion IPO.Investors only hope the value of stock shares holds up longer than its snaps.
Me: Have fun on your date.
Son: What if she drinks too much, or gets high?
Me: You really aren’t my kid are you?
And then the devil said, “leave her on read.”
my mom has been using 💦 to describe crying and when I told her to stop it, she made me tell her why and now it’s so quiet in here.
“If anyone knows a reason why these two should not marry, speak n-”
SHE ONCE COMMENTED ‘FIRST’ ON A YOUTUBE VIDEO
*ring bearer vomits*
“no one remembers the weird thing you said at that party” actually the weird thing you said has become a sacred inside joke that bonded several people at that party together forever
We didn’t lose power, so my fantasy about seducing linemen as a thank you will have to wait for the next storm
Carves “you are a doo-doo head” into the car door of my enemy because my sword is mightier as a pen or something like that
Guarantees in life:
1) death
2) taxes
3) me pulling the handle of your car door at the same moment you try to unlock it
Buy a ticket to Finding Dory and yell “She’s right there!” every time she comes on the screen until you’re escorted out of the theater.