Home is where the bag filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags is.
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Searching for your soulmate could take years. Making a slice of toast takes minutes.
If Dua Lipa married Ronnie Biggs, divorced him to marry George Melly then divorced him to marry Winnie the Pooh she’d be Dua Biggs Melly Pooh.
No, YOU’RE a child!
just found out Mr. Miyagi’s first name was Trent, I hate hollywood
I never set out to be the hottest woman in the nursing home yet here we are.
Sauron: I made everyone cheese bagel bites
Middle Earth: Yay
Sauron: [makes his own bagel bite, but this time, with all the toppings]
This day in history. 1810. Sweden declared war on its ally the United Kingdom initiating 2 years of fairly spiteful Christmas card exchanges.
[romantic walk]
Me: *turns to date* darling
Her: *gasps*
Me: *gets down on one knee* will you
Her: omg
Me: protest racial inequality with me
Alien: We come in peace
Human: Aw man, we hate that
My neighbor’s cat got into the booth with me when I was testing my teleportation device and now there’s cat hair all over my genes.
Quinoa was invented by someone who really wanted to win at scrabble.
GUY: hey pal, if you have a problem, say it to my face
ME: *gets really close* i’m two months behind on my rent
I’m proud to announce that am winning my fight against sobriety.
The rest of the Justice League always makes Aquaman eat at Long John Silvers so they can watch him cry.
My smoke detector just started beeping due to low batteries which is weird because it’s not the middle of the night
During childbirth the pain is so great that a woman almost knows what it’s like for a man to have the flu.
*bank robbery*
ROBBER: nobody moves, nobody gets hurt!
ME: *gazing tearfully at a pic of my long distance gf* too late
My husband just started assembling a bookshelf so I guess we’re fighting now.
Guitar dude: here’s wonderwall
Clumsy dude: here’s blunderwall
Pirate dude: here’s plunderwall
Thor dude: here’s thunderwall
Store dude: here’s refunderwall
Escaping dude: here’s underwall
Blue dude: here’s undertheweatherwall
Taco Bell is the only place you can still get gas for $1.29
My cat likes to trampoline on my bladder if I don’t feed him. He knows just the spot that will get me leaping out of bed at 5 or 6 am.
[shopping for make-up]
“Excuse me, what will make my eyes pop?”
“I know exactly what you need.”
[boots you into the vacuum of deep space]
Nothing scarier than unlocking your phone in front of coworkers and not remembering what the last thing on your screen was.
-911 what’s your emergency?
-People are pronouncing it EX-presso.
“Living well is the best revenge.”
– someone who has never thrown a jar of spiders onto their enemy’s face.
Scar: Long live the king!
*lets Mufasa fall*
Simba: No!
Mufasa: *while falling* Simba, this is totally your fault for being the woooooorst–
I want negative calorie credit for all the junk food I pass up. Didn’t eat that cookie? That’s -150 calories.
My bank statement is just a record of everything I’ve eaten for the last month.
(saying something slightly ambiguous on the internet) ah i could’ve phrased that better but i’ll probably get the benefit of the doubt from thousands of strangers who only come here to get pissed off
As I’m hiding in the tree completely nude, I can’t help but think maybe dating married women isn’t worth it.
Me: I’ve got mismatched socks do you think that’s ok
Wife: I don’t think anyone’s gonna notice
Me: I’m gonna tell em