I did nothing wrong—I tried to do nothing and did it wrong.
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Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend, never owned a murdery cat.
Birdbox, but it’s just me yelling at you not to look when the lights accidentally come on during sex.
Having your 9 year old daughter pack for a sleepover is a great idea, as long as you’re fine with her taking 17 stuffed unicorns and no socks.
I get it, sauce, I also thicken over time.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Have you showered today?
Me: Um, I …
Netflix: And use soap this time.
Beastie Boys: So whatcha whatcha whatcha want?
2020: *deep breath*
CUCUMBER 911: What’s your emergency?
CUCUMBER: Please send help! I’m trapped in a jar full of vinegar!
CUCUMBER 911: hmmm, this is a pickle!
please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke
-hearing my dog about to puke
[me buying something stupid and don’t need that’s $7.99] cool it’s only seven bucks
[me later] can’t believe i wasted ten bucks on this
Wait for it
What the hell happened in there??
Me: I just want to be able to afford to eat sometimes
Wife: What about me and the kids?
Me: I’M NOT A CANNIBAL YOU IDIOT
Fight Club, but instead of blowing up all the financial institutions, they reset all twitter follower counts back to zero.
Sorry we can’t be friends, but you spent $50 on a wine scented candle because it smelled good instead of just buying me five bottles of wine.
The moral of “The Three Little Pigs” is “make your house with bricks.” Why are we giving four year olds architectural advice?
Excited for Pete Davidson to host SNL and play some of his iconic characters including Pete Davidson and Pete Davidson.
My coworker just proudly announced that he doesn’t believe in Santa Claus because he an athiest. Uh, sure bro, but also how about because you’re 34?
Boy becomes Jedi, gets married, turns evil, has twins, becomes Darth Vader, complicated crap, ewoks. Boom, STAR WARS. You’re welcome, girls.
Watching Moana (for the 869th time)*
Me: oh no, who’s going to help Moana?
3: *really angry” not anybody!! she can do all the things by herself
Never figured out why animated movies always showed a witch brewing some boiling hot Mountain Dew in a big cauldron.
[outside eden]
Adam: This isnt so bad
Eve: Yea
Adam: [mosquito lands on arm] Wtf is this[5 min later]
Adam: [banging on gates] WE’RE SORRY
How to make infinite energy.
I feel bad for women who say finding true love is the best experience in life. They’ve obviously never found their bra size on clearance.
Marital Status: My husband is mad at me because I cheered for the wrong college football team.
May someone of my non-German mutuals explain German Burger King to me:
Writing prompt: You will run out of money entirely in three months and your only skill is writing.
PEDIATRICIAN: This could sting a little.
KID: Okay.
PEDIATRICIAN: One day the sun will envelope the earth and we will all turn to dust.
We named our beautiful daughter after my mother.
Passive Aggressive Psycho turns 22 this year!
All your most annoying Facebook friends have shared this with the caption “wow, really makes you think.