Astrophysicists still struggling to explain the Big Bang Theory: “It’s a corny show! We just don’t get it!” said one astrophysicist.
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Instagram Girl, just relaxing in her sweats: Perfect ponytail, full makeup, hydrating after an intense yoga session.
Me, just relaxing in my sweats: Sweating pretty hard, because I dropped a chocolate chip down my sports bra and I’m trying to fish it out before it melts.
Why the plus or minus on the pregnancy test, ept? How about a simple yes or no and we’ll decide if that’s positive or negative.
Thinking about taking a picture with a number pinned to my shirt so it looks like I run marathons.
Doctor: you need to include more fruits and vegetables in your diet
Me: I hear the words but they’re not making any sense
ME: *moistens lips with tongue*
DENTIST: don’t ever do that to me again
i wish someone just lost their shit over me like a rooster does the sunrise.
My uber is here. Should I get in? He has 5 stars…
My daughter just asked me if Cinderella’s shoe is such a perfect fit then why did it fall off so I enrolled her in the task force.
When I’m eating shared nachos I’m always thinking 3 nacho moves ahead of my opponent.
LOAN OFFICER: Sign here…
ME: *signs*
LO: And, here.
ME: *signs*
LO: Down payment, please.
ME: Here you go.
LO: You want road hazard insurance?
ME: Yes, please.
LO: Sign here.
ME: *signs* Is that it?
LO: Yes, the barista will call your name when the order’s ready.
Me: hey did you buy ‘100 Count Tennis Balls’ from Amazon?
Wife: no
Dog: *pretending to read newspaper*
My baby’s daycare teacher said tomorrow is pajama day which is awkward because I send him wearing pajamas every day
nobody:
90’s boybands:
(-(-_(-_-)_-)-)
Parenting talk translated.
“Come on you’re very tired, you need to get to bed.”
Actually means:
“Come on, I’m very tired, you need to get to bed.”
ME: kids, santa’s not real you don’t have to worry that someone’s always observing you
ALEXA: he’s right kids relax
My kids super power is knowing he won’t like a food before he even tries it
I could never live off the grid. Crunchwrap Supremes are found exclusively on the grid.
Maybe just avoid festivals named Fyre or Burning or anything fire related
*standing next to a wheelbarrow full of BBQ sauce*
Look, no one is arguing that the zoo fire isn’t a horrible tragedy.
I heard you should get a dog that likes to do the things you like to do, so which dogs like eating nachos?
All dates are ‘blind dates.’
The biological structure of fruit plants do not allow eye growth, therefore rendering them incapable of sight.
CDC: Fully vaccinated people can safely gather indoors and hug.
Me: Gross.
Can’t we just sew all of the candidates together & have the first multi-headed president?
my date is in 2 hours, which means I have very little time to fix my glasses and fix my bangs and get a career and lose 50 pounds
A party without Vodka is just a meeting.
AT&T sent me a text apologizing for their service outage. I sent them a text thanking them for making it impossible for people to call me.
“Nailed it.”
-inventor of crucifixion
My mom shared an old picture of my brother and I on FB today. Wanted to make sure Debbie knew what was up.
Them: Pleasure to meet you.
Me: Give it time.