If you introduce yourself as Sal, just know that I will be disappointed when you reveal that’s NOT short for Salami
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When I’m old, I’m gonna giggle uncontrollably, squirm, and go all sack of potatoes on my son when he tries to get me in the car as payback.
Before they built this Trader Joe’s, there was just an empty field with wild shoppers politely blocking each other’s way
Me: there’s only one thing about Halloween that really scares me
Her: which is?
Me: exactly
three things we don’t talk about
“The other day” -me referring to the year 2017
You think you got your shit together until you try to spell Dave Chappelle
hookup culture actually helps a lot of people clean their bedrooms
A 12 year old posts a selfie, 37 RTs and 1013 likes.
I post a selfie, I lose 18 followers and my family disowns me.
Calling someone with glasses “four eyes” isn’t an insult. Know what else has four eyes? Two sharks. Now you feel stupid.
“Bring forth the sacrifice. The ritual must proceed.”
Saw 2 of my kids hugging and then realized they were choking each other and was like, ok, that makes more sense.
Twitter is for people who don’t like to poop alone.
[sees girl reading To Kill A Mockingbird]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] kills all those frickin birds.”
Alien Leader: “Your species is too dumb and sad to take over. We’re just gonna leave.”
Me: “More like alie-outs.”
Alien Leader: “On second thought…”
*zaps me dead with lasers*
Whole world: “That’s fine, no hard feelings.”
Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.
gf: u wanna put something dirty on tv
me: *seductively drapes my socks on television*
My Sentiments Exactly
Me: I’d like to adopt that baby.
Clerk: Sir, that’s a family sized
platter of Super Nachos.
I think I’m going to Bangladesh.
Ladesh: I have a boyfriend.
[being murdered]
me: hey are u Scottish
murderer: yes why
me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
[first day as a drug dealer]
Buyer: got any Morphine?
Me: I’m gonna be honest with you [searching through fannypack] I don’t know what Feen is.
My wife is now fully vaccinated so [uses her as a human shield wherever we go]
Women on Twitter who boast about the crumbs they catch in their bras have no idea how much food I can carry around in my turban.
I think it’s time for the hard stuff *pulls Werther’s Original out of pocket*
I reached blindly inside my cavernous mom bag for a lip balm and I touched something I didn’t recognize. Go on without me.
*puts dreamcatcher above bed*
“Sure hope this works”
*wakes up in the middle of the night*
*Ryan Gosling is stuck in dreamcatcher*
“YES”
No, YOU forgot you colored your hair and nearly screamed because there was a strange woman in your hotel bathroom.
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
First kid: All organic.
Second kid: Cupcakes aren’t for breakfast, now eat your coco puffs.
Third kid: Popcorn counts as a vegetable.
You know what cats don’t like? Blow dryers.
You know what’s funny? Pointing your blow dryer at your cat.
Anyway, I lost an eye today.