That was the most exciting race between two stationary vehicles I have ever seen. #GreaseLive
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Good Cop: *reaches for his gun*
Intimate Moment Cop: *reaches for the same gun and their hands touch*
The dentist asked me what music I wanted to listen to during my root canal so I said “More Than A Filling.”
doctor: you want a note to get out of work?
me: please
doctor: [writing] you’re… fired…
Friends: Want to hang out this weekend?
Me: No, I have big plans this weekend.
My Plans:
may I borrow your hand mixer? I found a pumpkin carving hack that will destroy mine.
My son played a song in the car and I actually liked it. Hell has frozen over.
When I have kids I’m gonna tell them drugs are good for them.
It’s the only way I can be sure they won’t try them.
[interrogation]
What were u doing last nite?
I was killin my neighbour, Bert.
Louder for the tape?
[leans in]
Fillin in paperwork. Busy guy.
Accidentally left my shopping list on the kitchen bench so had to rely on memory. Came home with a tub of icecream & a pony.
Friend: Have you ever had an epiphany?
Me: Is it a little chocolate candy?
Friend: No.
Me: Then, no.
Getting grey hair hurts less when you say you’re sprouting tinsel instead.
I hate when I toss some cold pizza in the microwave, check Twitter real quick and when I come back I’ve missed 3 mortgage payments.
Parenting is basically just punctuating every conversation with various commands:
“Yes, I like your picture. Put on your shoes.”
“My favorite color is yellow. Finish your breakfast.”
“No, fish don’t snore. Go brush your teeth.”
[unaware grindr isn’t an app for skateboarders] I’d love to meet at the park
It was the worst of times, it was the worst of times.
-2020
Girl are you a prescription from my doctor ’cause you might be good for me but I can’t read you at all.
Nick’s coming over
Nick from work, or Nick who thinks he’s a scorpion?
*Nick bursts through the door* HERE I AM, ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE
I mostly keep friendships going because they have my good Tupperware
Flex on your relatives by answering their phone call.
I try and avoid picking up turtles on the side of the road. Just in case they’re in the middle of a race.
I got catfished by someone claiming to be Mark Twain.
My ex once told me that she still had feelings for me but then clarified that they were all negative ones
Before you get on the elliptical next to me, just know that I’m an ugly crier.
Cult leader: we need to sacrifice a virgin to appease the Gods.
*everyone looking at me wearing Jorts*
Me: what?
When I found out Carl was a beekeeper I stopped loaning him bees.
sorry I didn’t answer when you called, I had 6 Peeps in my mouth
Great, yet another drive-in movie ruined by the neighbors saying I can’t park on their lawn and watch movies through the living room window.
I Knew Better, But I Did It Anyway: A Memoir
*points to wrist* this is my Fitbit.
*points to rest of body* this is my fatbit.