Her: Our youngest is 98 months.
Me: What’s that in human people years?
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So fluffy! 😍 #Cats #CatsOfTwitter
Schröedinger: And so it is impossible to determine whether the cat is alive or dead
Possum: *yelling from the back of the room* AMATEUR
Do I work hard? No. But do I work smart to compensate. Absolutely not.
Interviewer: What skills can you bring to this company?
Me: I can kill a spider without screaming.
Interviewer: Your office will be next to mine.
You’re not allowed to say “long story short” after talking for 30 minutes.
Looks like the mayor is getting serious.
A date sounds nice but you’ll need to bring a friend for my parole officer.
My new washing machine plays a tune very similar to an ice cream truck when it’s finished.
There’s no ice cream in there. I checked. Twice.
Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
just ate soup so fast my Fitbit thought i was running
[terrible nursing home]
Old guy: How did you end up here?
Elderly me: I made my kids steak instead of hot dogs.
Him: *gasps* You monster.
Ice cream man: in a cup or in a cone
Me: cone please. I find the cups upset my stomach.
Do let me know if you’re ever unhappy with any of my Tweets. I will block you immediately. Anything to stop you being sad. You’re welcome 🙂
I was mowing with earbuds. My mom pulls up. I motion I can’t hear. She gives OK sign and proceeds to motion by thumping her chest. Pointing to her house and puts up 9 fingers. Idk wtf is happening. She gets mad and speeds off. Cause ya know, it’s my fault obviously.
Him: this pie is delicious! Is it a family recipe?
Me: yes, and you’ll never guess the secret weapon
Him: you mean secret ingredient?
*catapult launching sound*
[Concert finishes]
Me: *taking a bow*
Violinist: Hey, give that back
made the mistake of clicking through and buying something from an Instagram ad and it’s like when I tried to give one seagull a single piece of my sandwich
My 42 yr old friend is dating a 24 yo guy, she caught him cheating so she took away his play station for a week
3yo hit her big sister then asked if I was calling the police. she wasn’t scared she was testing to see if I’d snitch
I was the only one wearing a mask in the supermarket this morning, so I made everyone empty their pockets.
I’m the type of husband that helps his wife look for her missing chocolate
that I ate.
Daughter: Dad, did dinosaurs really exist?
Me: Yep.
D: But how can you be so sure of that?
M: I’ve seen them in museums
D: Really!! Didn’t know they had museums when dinosaurs were about.
My boss is going to fire the employee with the worst posture.
I have a hunch,
it might be me.
So, when she said she wanted a ‘fairy-tale’ romance, she didn’t actually want me to eat her grandma or lock her in a tower?
Dating is hard.
“WHAT ARE YOU KIDS DOING IN THERE?”
*stomps feet to pretend I’m going towards that room*
My body treating me like we’re in a relationship by giving me weird little surprises even after 37 years.
could a mosquito drink blood out of a cup or something or are they legally required to capri sun my legs all summer
Taylor Swift’s future song about Travis Kelce:
you were the chief, but I don’t follow orders
your mama and me, sharing laughs every quarter
when did you talk to me? before or after reporters
it’s like it all was a dream, oh well, always preferred the chargers
I’m for traditional marriage, mostly because I want to know how many goats I’m worth.
I called my son’s school to see if they would take him a week early and apparently they “don’t do that” and I “need to stop calling.”