BUZZ ALDRIN:They say in space no one can hear you scream, but it’s not true and the other astronauts get mad at you for the rest of the trip
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Judge: You have power of attorney?
Me:*curling two briefcases* Pfft. What do you think, bruh?
My girlfriend’s just had a go at me for not glistening, whatever that is
Scientists please just tell us when the world is gonna end so I can stop working out
*me liking the smell of gasoline* “i have really expensive taste”
When Al Pacino was young he was all the Beatles at once.
Just played that Facebook game where an app tells you what state you’re best suited to be in and I was disappointed it didn’t say unconscious.
I probably would’ve had a better chance of winning back my ex-gf if I’d thought of something better to say than “I really miss your toilet noises”
If my Roomba don’t like you, I don’t like you.
┏┓
┃┃╱╲ in
┃╱╱╲╲ this
╱╱╭╮╲╲house
▔▏┗┛▕▔ we
╱▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔╲
wash our hands
╱╱┏┳┓╭╮┏┳┓ ╲╲
▔▏┗┻┛┃┃┗┻┛▕▔
[harry potter at an interview]
interviewer: it says here you found & destroyed seven horcuxes
harry: that’s correct, sir
interviewer: but no experience creating a powerpoint presentation, wow
I’m a little sad about my weight gain, but like they say, “suck it up, cup of butter.”
Where it all went wrong
Me: Oh I love your hair, you look like a different person.
Her: Is that what you want?
Oh, I just remembered. You’re boring…. and my legs work!
This whiskey tastes like my neighbours will be listening to Metallica.
Gmail: Please sign in again for your safety.
Chrome: oh wait, I remember the password, never mind.
I’m unpredictable. Like a dad on a field trip.
From the looks of your eyebrows, your shock collar must have malfunctioned.
I see Google have dropped that internet specs thing then?
“Google Glass”
I know what glass is, Catherine.
Remember when we didn’t let Meg Ryan stand up straight for an entire decade?
the most efective way to clean ur room, start a creative project, run errands, cook, brush ur teeth and take a shower is to study for a exam
waiter: do you have any questions about the menu
me: yes what’s the name of this font used for the meats
Matt LeBlanc is short for his full name, Mattress LeBlanket.
A tampon just fell out of my bag as I went to pay for something at a garage & a grown man in his construction gear laughed…….at a tampon….
So I looked at him and asked him did he want to keep it since it brought him way more entertainment than it will ever bring me.
I will never think of rock paper scissors the same way again.
Helping ya friend pick a picture to post 🤝 commenting like it’s ya first time ever seeing the picture
What if all countries have ninjas, and we only know about the Asian ones because they suck?
[at the pet store]
Me: I’d like a baby lizard please
[later at home]
Me: isn’t he cute?
Wife [heavily pregnant]: I said a baby monitor
Can’t trust CNN? Next thing ya know Nigerian royalty sending me emails will be fake.
If I win Poweball we’re all gonna have a party with SOOO much cocai…cake!