My toddler climbed out of her crib and my first thought was “Why don’t they make some kind of lid or attachment for the top of these things?”
Then I realized thaaaaat’s a cage.
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[bank robbery]
OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!
[dave starts doing the electric slide]
Damn it Dave, not you, go grab the money
“Stalker” has such a negative connotation. I prefer to think of myself as a classy international spy that happened to take a very personal interest in your case.
Our youngest’s throat is so sore that she can’t talk, so we’re having her breathe on all the other kids.
“To label you “divine” would be to capture but a fraction of your resplendence.
… and could you pleeeeease grab an Oreo while you’re up?”
ME: can u pick me up in ur claws
DRAGON: go AWAY dammit
ME: can u just put me in ur mouth pls—I wanna look out from ur teeth like im in jail
why pay a therapist to pinpoint your flaws when people on Twitter will tell you for free
Podcast? Back in my day you got a newspaper. To subscribe, you’d call them up. “25 cents a day for your filthy rag, full of lies and comics, please. Every day. Throw it at my house as hard as you can in the middle of the night. When I’m done not reading it, I’ll wrap fish in it.”
Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy
if you don’t respond to my email when i am alive don’t expect me to reply to your ouija board questions when i am dead.
I miss the days before security cameras, when everything at the store was free.
If you’re tired of “food” and want to try something a bit more sophisticated, may I recommend “cuisine”?
My ability to do the worm originated from tripping, landing on my face and being too lazy to get up to walk to bed
The Hello Kitty stickers on your woodchipper suggest that you’re whimsically murdery.
9yo: “Hey mom? Do we have any duct tape? And before you say anything, I PROMISE we’re not going to put it ON anyone. I mean like…not exactly anyway.”
What month is it? Why is summer so long?
my cat just woke up, accused me of a crime, and went back to sleep
[date]
HER: Do you like Star Wars?
ME: Of course
HER: Which character do you identify with?
ME: *leans in close* The complete void of space
I bet the oompa loompas sang savage diss tracks about Willy wonka behind his back
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
I think I may have screwed up. When I saw on here how the ladies liked the dad bod I went and got 3.
starting a garage orchestra
the divorce rate among my socks is astonishing
[a person I want to be friends with so bad offers me a cigarette]
Me: oh I love these!
Them: *goes to light it for me*
Me: *already eating it*
Decided to stop saying “please subscribe” in my videos and it’s working. No new subscribers.
Eye of the Tiger came on the radio and I got so excited the macaroni salad I was making is all over the walls and the cat has a black eye.
Me: *grimacing* Something stinks. Where’s that smell coming from?
Friend: My oven.
I’ll bet you I can make this chicken fly
“You’re on”
*puts sunglasses and Weezer t-shirt on chicken*
*squirts Axe body spray*
Pay up
Hello I am Tightbeard McShoulderchest and my favourite workout is standing in everyone’s way in front of the gym equipment checking my phone
Did you know all your parents’ haggard old friends from your childhood memories were in fact 31 years old
well, Sam. It’s been a helluva day. A helluva day! Hit me, again.
Thank you automatic ice dispenser.
I was hoping to get either 2 or 675 ice cubes.