*stands at the bottom of the water slide, forcefully baptizing everyone who comes down*
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Grandma: what’s oversharing?
Me: It’s when you talk about your hemorrhoid surgery on FaceBook.
Does anyone remember the song by Sade about the guy who operated the smoothie machine?
I have my own hand stamper at home so my coworkers will think I went someplace fun the night before.
Still laughing about that one year my wife sold her legs to buy me gloves for Christmas, and I sold my hands to buy her pants.
I had no idea we were millionaires until I just saw my husband casually rip off 3 or 4 paper towels at once.
Me: ugh. The radio these days is full of bad news. Burglary over there, stabbing over here. Just turn it off please
Arresting officer: no
Follow me on Pinterest for seasonal craft ideas and spells for summoning ancient demons.
Day 1 of home improvement project: This should take us a week.
Day 7: This should take us 2 weeks.
Day 57: There is no end in sight.
Today we break bread and give thanks. Tomorrow I will throat-punch you at Wal Mart.
Jeff is here!
“Jeff from work or Jeff the guy who announces his arrival anytime he enters a room”
Jeff is here!
A guy in line next to me just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
Before they built this Trader Joe’s, there was just an empty field with wild shoppers politely blocking each other’s way
I asked my dad if there were any advantages to being in your eighties. He said, “Well, no one tries to sell me extended warranties anymore.”
[First Date]
Me: so can I see you again?
Her: I had a nice time but I don’t think so
Me: *stops holding in stomach*
50% of raising kids is begging them to use their words.
50% is begging them to be quiet.
Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?
Raphael: what? no we’re brothers.
Cop: oh. It’s just with the matching outfits I thought-
Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls
Cop: is that… is that less weird?
People often ask how I got to where I am and I look ‘em right in the eyes and tell ‘em I ran out of gas
Star Wars films are like my wives – we don’t talk about the first 3
Her: What’s with the microscope?
Me: Looking for my comfort zone.
A handshake means something completely different to a cannibal.
I don’t just have a chip on my shoulder— I’ve got the whole potato
Sending an insult with a typo is like laughing at someone for tripping and falling and then tripping and falling right front of them.
[watching christmas movie]
Me: who’s your favorite character?
Daughter: I like the grinch.
Me: but he’s the bad guy.
Daughter: maybe he stole Christmas only cause they wrote that really mean song about him first.
Me:
Daughter: maybe whoville had it coming.
*weighs myself in kilograms to own the lbs
I made $12 in the cryptocurrency market. Learn how I did it in my new book, “How I made $12 in cryptocurrency market”.
Someone told me signing my emails with “Best” is passive aggressive so
I’m changing it to “See you in hell’ to eliminate any confusion!! 🤣😏
You call it day drinking I call it very old grape juice in the morning
“Did it hurt…when you fell from heaven and lost the use of your legs?”–bad pick-up line to use on a handicapped person
I’m an Obama supporter but there’s no escaping the harsh truth that Batman v Superman happened on his watch.
My dog is really picky on where she poops. For instance, she will only choose a lawn where the homeowner is outside to make eye contact with me.