Police: I’m afraid you’ve been the victim of identity theft…
Me: FINDERS KEEPERS NO TAKE BACKS
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Hot Girl: Hey, u single?
Me: I am.
HG: Cool, can I take this extra chair?
The theory of evolution has one fatal flaw, and it’s that pandas exist.
No way these buffoons survived before humans other than by miracles and divine intervention
A very busty woman whispers to me “I want you to tell me if these look real” my eyes widen, then she takes out pictures of the moon landing
A grown man smelling like baby powder stood next to me today.
My maternal instincts have never been so confused.
When speaking to children I always end every sentence with “…or else you’ll die. ” – I find this to be an excellent motivational tool.
How the Grinch Stole Christmas (1966): A hermit living within his means is ultimately corrupted by the power of consumerism.
Go to a botanical garden? Haha, yeah, okay. Like I want to pay money to walk through a giant salad
If the doctor doesn’t know and just refers you to another doctor, they should refund you.
Any time I see a couple jogging together, I try to figure out which one of them is unhappy about it.
My neighbor won’t understand why I hide in my car until she has kids.
OPEN UP. THIS IS THE POLICE. THANK YOU. CAN WE USE YOUR BATHROOM
Watching basketball while on the treadmill feels like reading a book about someone reading an even bigger & better book
Uber driver, “You know, if they had Uber back in my day, I wouldn’t have all these DUIs.”
Me, {opens door} “I’ll just get out right here.”
My dog: WHY ARE YOU ALL STILL HOME
One of the perks of marriage is having someone around to let you know which normal things from your childhood were actually very very weird
in lieu of flowers call my wife and pretend to be me from beyond the grave. my d.o.b. is 5/24 and my mom’s name is kathy.
elbows are not enough. we need a pasta for each and every body part
The reason Latin is a dead language is because they kept accidentally summoning demons during regular conversations
the michael jackson of crabs impressing all his friends by walking smoothly forwards
My dog loves me, but he also eats his own poop. I don’t think I can trust his judgment.
Ugh, my stomach is killing me. I wonder if eating this chocolate cross left over from Easter will help?
MUM 😳
MERRY CHRISTMAS TO YOU TOO.
Guy just walking down the street minding his own business when bodega gato runs out and jumps up on his walker. They just standing / sitting at this impasse for like five full min now…
This dude winked at me in the market so when he wasn’t looking I put a bunch of douches in his cart
“Here kid. I hope you like not getting laid until college because your bedroom is a giant dinosaur now.”
-extreme home makeover
Every time I think I’ve got my diet under control, they come out with some new and tastier way to make me fat.
“This undercooked pasta is an absolute car crash”
What do you mean?
“It’s all denty”
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
Clerk: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here.
Clerk: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
I don’t understand people in the entertainment industry who have affairs with their manager. I feel like all my managers’ texts would just be them telling me it’s not a great market for sex at the moment
If you go to Hell for laughing during prayer, my family will burn for eternity.