I optimistically invited guests for this weekend while my house was unusually clean and now a week later I see why that was a mistake
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HUSBAND: Do you want to
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
HUSBAND: I didn’t say anything yet.
ME: Sorry, go ahead.
HUSBAND: Would you like to go
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
I like how commercials for gum seem to be predicting a cold, dystopian future where our survival depends on the freshness of our breath.
I wasn’t always a Reply Guy. I used to talk to the TV.
I have a five year plan to become more spontaneous.
Stop playing that stupid game and pick a Netflix movie Arthur!
Interviewer: strengths?
Me: I’m sociable and can pretend to get along with most people….
Interviewer: er, ….. yes ok, right, moving on! Weaknesses?
Me: erm….*thinking furiously*…. bladder??
Made some terrible life choices the last few years.
Just kidding. I’m married and not allowed to make decisions.
*accidentally summons malevolent demon at a séance*
I WILL HAUNT YOUR HOME FOREVER!
[4 days later]
YOU KNOW, YOU COULD CLEAN UP OCCASIONALLY
i’m just in the middle of doing some push ups. well actually i’ve just dropped a packet of M&Ms and i’m searching for the ones that rolled under my couch but same thing right
7: [eating a bunch]
me:
7: I’m going thru a gross spurt.
me: that’s a good way to put it.
My cat didn’t get me a Father’s Day card and things are a little tense around here right now.
detectives are always like “what were u doing the night of april 5th” i literally couldn’t tell u what i was doing 6 hours ago bro just lock me up
My girl put concealer on and now I can’t find her.
Why do you love your baby so much. You’ve only known it for like 4 weeks.
Non-stick pan manufacturers: Do not scrub the pan roughly
Also non-stick pan manufacturers: *will stick their label right in the middle of the pan with glue that never comes off easy*
For all the bad things that happened this year I sure did get fat.
Work tip: if you’re going to ask your boss if you can “work from home”, don’t use air quotes.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day but teach a man to phish and he will steal your social security # so click here to verify your account.
Asking me for advice is like asking broccoli to fix your bicycle.
11,780 cans of beans on the wall…
need him
The car you buy should say something about you, and not just ramble on about itself like you’re not even there.
Why does everyone keep telling me to ‘grow a pear’? I don’t even like pears.
#titanic
My ex wife has the only copy of our wedding video, can’t see myself getting married again.
Making spaghetti for dinner tonight, so I’ll only have enough for about 37 of you guys if you decide to come over… make your reservations quickly
I will not buy ornamental gourds this year!
I WILL NOT BUY GOURDS!*buys all the gourds (and a hay bale)
Reporter: are you nervous about the fight?
Me nervously: no
Reporter: he said he’s going to ‘rip your heart out’
Me crying: but I need it
Bread bowls are not dishwasher safe. I know that now.
Wife and daughter are baking which means the air is filled with people arguing about baking soda.