I removed Sean Connery’s limbs & replaced them with Daniel Craig’s arms & Pierce Brosnan’s legs. They formed an unlikely Bond.
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her: the moon is so romantic tonight
me: how
the moon: [brushes hair behind my ear] hey
me: h-[blushing] hey
Me, yelling over the panic: IT’S OK EVERYONE I LISTENED INTENTLY TO THE SAFETY BRIEFING THE EXITS ARE OVER HERE
*audible sigh of relief from all the passengers as the plane is going down*
When guys hold up their legs while riding a motorcycle. Like oh r u having soooo much fun. Are you saying weeeeeee
People come into your life for a reason. It’s annoying
Hey babies — Trains haven’t gone “choo-choo” for 150 years, get it together.
I saw a silver squirrel running up a tree while walking my dog today, so you know what that means…
Nothing. It means absolutely nothing.
Me: I don’t mean to overstep but I would be a great hire.
Employer: In that case the Ministry of Silly Walks is not for you.
Me *goose step, tippy toe, barrel roll out the door*: Best of luck!
Employer *high kick, sashay to trashcan with resume*: Damn shame.
Why is it called a bathroom scented candle and not a john wick?
“I should probably start filling this thing out.”
-I say about my son’s baby memory book on his wedding day.
Wins the Internet today. Night, all…
*Riding around with my Abraham Lincoln clone*
Lincoln: *spots a “Children At Play” sign* WE HAVE TO SAVE THEM
“…any reason why these 2 should not be married, speak now or…”
They’re engagement photo only got 21 likes on Facebook!
*crowd GASPS*
The distorted faces and primal noises I made during labor do not even touch my husband’s performance when he’s in the throes of a toe cramp.
Salt can’t be the only delicious rock. There must be other delicious rocks somewhere…
Word!
They say to “dress for the weather you want” so anyways I’m freezing today and metaphors are hard.
Doctors say “internal bleeding” like it’s a bad thing. Blood is supposed to be internal, idiots.
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark!🎶
What was the point in making your car louder, bro?
Do you really want women to turn their heads and notice you drive a 1999 Honda Civic?
I can already feel that the day is going to seize me instead of the other way around
I could never be an Olympic sprinter because I couldn’t go 10 seconds without checking my phone.
Babe, can u vacuum a Chess board into the carpet again? the guys r here for a lifesize game
*guys standing around in armor & kings outfits*
The angel on my shoulder says I should be doing more with my life.
Wait, no, that’s just my mom talking. I forgot I left my phone there.
Pigeon open mic night.
I tried to make a smoothie for lunch. Apparently, three frozen pizzas will break a juicer.
I bet Seal is terrified of shark week.
In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
My dog gives me attitude when getting his paws wiped off after being outside. It must be just awful to get rewarded with foot massages just for using the bathroom.
Just got an email from dominoes said “easy and delicious” they sure know how to talk to a single guy!