My mechanic told me I have to pick up my car by 5:00pm but there’s no way I’ll be strong enough by then.
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Charles Barkley sounds like a made-up name a dog would think of to get into a fancy country club.
[lost at sea]
Me: *sees giant shark* yeah, we’re gonna –Movie nerd: NEED A BIGGER BOAT?!
Me: – die.
*wears a clown mask hitchhiking*
Why’s nobody stopping, everyone loves clowns, right?
[creation]
GOD: Gather round creatures & I’ll tell you what you’ll eat
ANTEATER: I’m SO excited!
DUNG BEETLE: I got a bad feeling about this
I’m not falling for those “ancestry tests.” If the government wants my DNA they’re going to have to get it the old fashioned way, from underneath the fingernails of a dead drifter I buried in the woods.
[6 month dentist visit]
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Every 6 months
What do you remember most from your first sex ed class? I remember Mrs. DeBlasio, the school secretary, telling us to never believe a guy who said he couldn’t wear condoms because they were too small and then she stretched one over her head like a ski mask as proof.
birds can make their homes in tall treetops and soar at great heights and pigeons are like no thank you i will commute by foot to home depot
I don’t drink blood to stay young. I do it mainly for the lifestyle.
My dog just looked me in the eye and said “no one is gonna believe you”, then took a nap.
I brushed my teeth without watching in the mirror and now my eyebrows are clean.
warranty company said my claim was denied because the tear on our couch is a seam tear and not an actual rip or tear. so i’m going to give my 5yo a steak knife and let him be near the couch for a second.
My husband says it’s not my chin hairs that embarrass him, it’s how I’m constantly trying to yank them out in public.
THERAPIST: What do u wish for?
WIFE [smiles at me] That we regain the passion & intimacy of our early years together
ME: A penguin butler
ME: Wow. This cake you made is really moist.
WIFE: I haven’t baked it yet.
My Body: we’re hungover
Me: but I didn’t drink anything
My Body: I don’t make the rules
ISAAC NEWTON: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at his feet* i have just discovered gravity
ME: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at my feet* i have just discovered fruit by the foot
IVE NEVER SEEN JERRY THIS MAD HFCMGDHKUDGKGXH
Women: “Do you remember that time…”
Men: “No”
Not to brag but I’ve never met a chicken wing I didn’t like.
I give new meaning to the word “awesome.”
At least I did when I changed the Wikipedia entry.
I could shower but I wouldn’t mean it
it’s always the wrong ex who gets drunk and messages you a million times about how much he loves you.
Bitcoin. Toothurt.
hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
i mean yes babe u look so prety yes u do
batman is not a cool as u
Sorry I said “What is it?” when you showed me your baby.
Climate Change is just a scam to sell more Climate.
Kid 1: *super tired, falls asleep early*
Me: *gets hopes up for easy bedtime*
Kid 2: *hold my espresso*
Prop Manager *checks gun*
“There are real bullets in here.”Rookie prop assistant: “Yeah we are out of fake blood.”
[at work]
CW: Hey, I found your Twi…
Me: *jumps out window*
CW: …Twinkies.