Comedians shouldn’t joke about serious issues. They achieved perfection with slipping on banana peels and there was no need to innovate beyond that
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*Wakes up in Superman’s body*
Me: Holy crap! I’m finally a hero!
*Uses heat vision to re-heat last night’s pizza & puts on Netflix*
I’m my own worst enemy. And the enemy of my enemy is my friend. So I’m also my best friend
Just watched a guy in a shirt that read “Jedi I am” trip on a curb and fall.
Jedi you are not sir
My daily affirmation
Talking about me behind my back? Good. My ass likes attention.
Im not lazy, I keep my windows dirty because I care for bird safety.
HR: So, what would you say is your greatest strength?
Me: I’m really good at stealing office supplies.
HR: *Looks down to throw away my resume but his desk is gone* Holy shit.
I told my daughter her friend couldn’t come over today bc her Mom is a psycho, and she was on FaceTime with her friend.
I was really getting my act together–eating right, exercising regularly, looking hot, feeling strong, and doing good work. Then I woke up.
scully: victim died of multiple stab wounds
mulder: *throws her a file* ever heard of the knife alien
The circles under my eyes are so dark, Animal Planet is following me around filming a documentary about a raccoon out of its natural habitat
*Tries to get makeup off*
Makeup: I have a boyfriend.
I bet the worst part about being a birthday cake is when you’re set on fire, and then eaten by the hero that saved you.
I would throw myself under a duvet for you.
I had two ribs removed so I could pet small dogs easier.
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
[God creating me]
And then we sprinkle in just a touch of anxiety
[the lid pops off and the whole jar spills in]
[God shrugs] He’ll be fine
Sorry sir, I don’t do colonoscopies until at least the fourth date, maybe the second sometimes.
Friend: Call me when you wake up
[3 days later]
Me: Okay I’m up!
My body says you’re tired go to sleep, my mind says have you ever thought about why only elephants have knees like ours.
Twitter is like a dog: There’s always someone who loves you for you… there’s also always someone who just peed in an inappropriate place.
DATE: I want someone who can cook
ME: [fully aware that I eat waffles while they are still frozen] I love cooking
I’m calling Facebook “Mom” now because all it does is tell me who from my high school is engaged and remind me about my cousins’ birthdays.
Re-reading Wuthering Heights is a great reminder that 150 years ago, if you, say, sprained an ankle at a neighbor’s house, you just lived there for five weeks until it healed.
Note to self: Before committing any murders, get head and shoulders. Can’t be leaving DNA all over the place.
I just sneezed and even my dog looked worried.
Guys, I really think 50 Shades missed out on a really a big marketing slogan…
“CLIMAX IN IMAX”
My 5 year old brother said “when I’m older I won’t have a GF, I’ll live on my own like my big brother”
YEAH CAUSE THAT’S TOTALLY A CHOICE
I saw my neighbor standing out in his yard, he was dressed in camouflage. Someone should probably let him know his camouflage is broken.
In what room do you guys hang the portrait of yourself as a centaur? I was thinking kitchen. The bedroom is kinda cliche