Pro Tip for the ladies. Ask him to show you where the “jack thingy” is at in the trunk and when he shows you..
That’s when you push him in.
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Fun game: if someone wants to shake your hand, sniff your fingers first and then see if they still want to.
For a moment I thought it was Saturday, but then I realized it’s actually Sunday. The good news is now I have a story to tell at parties
People who say losing weight is “just math” clearly have no idea how far out of my way I go to avoid math.
Never Never Never tell someone you are patient.
They will test you…
Me: Are these garbage bags of yours super strong?
Clark Kent: What? No just regular strong ones here haha nothing super about ‘em *nervously adjusts glasses*
Me: Excuse me waiter, my fish is ice cold
Waiter [who is a penguin]: *eats the fish*
back in the 80’s, we simply didn’t have the dog technology we do today
I want a sandwich in the streets and a sandwich in the sheets.
I’ll never understand why we aren’t buried in our final resting place wearing pajamas.
Cop: Could I have your name?
Me: Well, you could, but it would be an incredible coincidence.
*Send Bail Money*
Ma’am do you know anything about your husband’s death?
Yeah, suicide. It’s awful isn’t it?
You’re saying he chopped himself up and threw his body in the lake?
*sigh* I know, he had some real demons.
🤣😭 I done ate 22 times and took 13 naps and it’s still today
Aight bet
how to talk to a woman wearing headphones:
1. be the artist she has currently chosen to listen to through her headphones
Joined a street protest.
Suddenly a shot, panic and everybody started running.
3 hours and a gold medal later I realised it was a marathon
this isn’t my first rodeo
– what my 5yr old just yelled as he wrote “rodeo” for the 2nd time
If the conversation gets too serious take your pants off.
How come those cross species adoption videos are always cats or dogs raising baby birds? Just once I’d like to see a hawk enthusiastically barfing into a kittens mouth.
“I’m not a big horse person”
– a lying centaur
i’ve decided to start saying “moopy” instead of “movie” just subtly enough that people will silently question it but will never ask. i deserve this.
When I see a piece of gum in the urinal, I think of how painful that piss must’ve been for that guy.
i forgot to mention those pills i gave you might turn you into a sloth
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
“ok”
Hairstylist: so one of your sisters knows how to knit, crochet, and sew and the other one is an amazing cook/baker. What do you know how to do?
Me: Buy stuff
I am leaving Twitter. I can’t take all the political banter and the mean and nasty things people say on here anymore. I will be back in an hour.
Freddie Mercury: I’m just a poor boy, nobody loves me
Chorus of Dads: HI JUST A POOR BOY, I’M DAD! SPARE HIM HIS LIFE FROM THIS MONSTROSITY
“What do you prefer strength or length?” *How I talk to my friends … apparently about toilet rolls
Girl, did it hurt…when you fell from heaven? *smooshed girl bobs away making accordion sounds*
I’ve never gotten off the elevator at a hotel and walked in the right direction.
Well this is awkward. Apparently when my wife’s friend invited me over for a play-date I was supposed to bring my kids.
My GPS thinks we should see other drivers.