Please sir, Under Arrest is my father’s name. You can call me Free To Leave.
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astrology is fake.
my sign is two fish. and YET, i am just one human and bad at swimming
Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room.
Are you there Santa?
It’s me, Midge
Ok you know that Australian speed skater who won gold because he was in last place but everyone in front of him got into a crash and he won? I think that might be tumblr
It’s not fair how many boring things my nephew gets out of going to simply by shitting his pants.
Kids are home for two weeks while their school is being cleaned. I want to blame the virus but in reality, Corona is how I wound up with three kids in the first place.
Why would I want to fund a crowd?
London friend is complaining about a 10 minute wait for a tube while I, a non-Londoner, sit here waiting for the rail replacement horse
Asking for a donation like Wikipedia every time someone asks me a question
Cucumbers Anonymous
The only vampire who matters to me lives on Sesame Street. The rest don’t count.
having sarcastic kids is great cause they make you laugh but also piss you off.
my sentiments exactly
My husband thinks I’ve been on my phone checking the weather for the last 3500 hours
Just farted loudly outside my office before checking to see if anyone was nearby. Nobody was. It’s called the #edge, & I am #livin on it
Me: I can’t wait to say goodbye to 2021!
2022: *Somehow already on fire*
*Goes to bakery to try wedding cake samples*
Baker: “When is your wedding?”
Me: *with mouthful of cake*
“What wedding?”
Me: [puts dog food into dish]
My dog: eh I’m not hungry
[1 minute later]
Me: [opens package of cheese]
My dog: oh great I’m STARVING
For my niece’s 7th birthday, I’m filling a pinata with a smaller pinata. When she breaks it open I’m gonna yell “Oh God! She was pregnant!”
Obama: Get Air Force One ready.
Biden: OK! *runs off*
Obama: The plane, not the movie.
*Biden does 360*
Biden: Yeah I know.
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first.
So you think makeup is “lying”
Sir, if you believe I was born with sparkles on my eyelids and blue lips, that’s on you
I just want someone to look at me the way that Wile E. Coyote looks at an ACME product.
“I just love a man in uniform”
~ drunk me, to my garden gnomes
Geologists are important for our understanding of rocks on Earth and on other planets. So never take them for granite.
It’s only a family vacation if you think “We’re never doing this again” at least once.
My 12-year-old went to a movie with a boy.
I gave her money for her ticket.
The boy paid.
I did not get my money back.
I learned an important lesson about dating today.
Son: why is my sisters name rose?
Dad: because your mother loves roses
Son: what about me?
Dad: it’s a long story, Bush’s Country Style Baked Beans