If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time to just before a famous person was supposed to be assassinated and borrow money from them.
You Might Also Like
Power went out in my office building & a maintenance guy said Transformers blew. Um yeah it was a bad movie buddy now what about the power??
It’s fucked up that probably everyone believes their pets share their political views
Inside the heads of four JCrew models.
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Except for that guy in the park who thinks he’s Napoleon. He’s fighting the Battle of Trafalgar. But mostly you don’t know.
So done with NPR. Every time I call to request a song, they NEVER play it.
[court]
Defense lawyer: Oh great.
𝘛𝘩𝘢𝘵 judge.
Client: What’s wrong with him?
Lawyer: His name is Thoreau D. Book.
Do👏not👏remove👏the👏exquisite👏painting👏from👏my👏wall👏and👏open👏the👏hidden👏safe👏if👏you👏don’t👏want👏to👏find👏a👏smaller👏version👏of👏the👏same👏painting👏
friend: can i tell you something
me: give me the double vhs titanic version sis
I almost just turned down a beer.
Calm down, I said almost.
Of all the martial arts, karaoke inflicts the most pain.
IDEA FOR COURTROOM SKETCH ARTISTS: a camera
I was gonna post a picture of my breakfast but I can’t get the gummy bears to sit up straight.
When your daughter asks “are your snacks more important than me??” you should NOT pause to think.
I know this now.
Start calling divorces “incidents”
Level up on that intrigue
Indiana Jones And The Two Dudes Who Lost Their Cars.
Traveling with kids is just paying to use bathrooms somewhere else
You let a man into your life and now you’re irritated before 9 am
Doctor: What’s the problem?
Liam Neeson: Unknown
Doctor: Does it hurt?
Liam Neeson: Non-stop
Doctor: Are you on painkillers?
Liam Neeson: Taken two
Doctor: Are you just listing your films?
Liam Neeson: Batman Begins
I have snuck past my husband’s work video meetings enough times to know I would make a terrible ninja.
I feel like I’m not getting the full experience of a gas station bathroom if I don’t cut and dye my hair and change my identity.
My body is a wonderland, but like, the “Alice In” type. Everything is the wrong size. Tons of tea in there. Cats everywhere.
What flavor cupcake are these
The most embarrassing moment of my life was when I called my teacher “mom” during sex.
I thought I was doing a good deed today but long story short I stole my neighbor’s cat
14 called me an idiot today
No, I don’t have a 14-year-old child
I mean 14 people
If I choke to death on food it better not be anything healthy.
Is your wife single?
Got a phone call and the caller ID said NYC Human. That sure narrows down the list of who it can be doesn’t it?
Hate to brag, but a cute fireman gave me his number today. It’s only 3 digits & he said it’s only for emergencies, but I know what he meant
WELCOME TO DAYLIGHT SAVINGS!!!! IT IS CHAOS!!! WANT A 6 AM GRILLED CHEESE?? DO IT!! TAKE A NAP AT 1 PM? GO FOR IT!! GET MARRIED IN GREECE AND INVITE THREE MEN WHO MIGHT BE YOUR FATHER?? YOU GO GIRL!!!!