[Farmer’s market]
Me: One of your finest farmers plz
Farmer: That’s not how this works
Me: Ok just give me some seeds & I’ll grow my own
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Mall security asked me to empty my pockets.
My response was “you won’t find a better job or respect in my pockets”
My dad left to get a pack of cigarettes 30 years ago and still hasn’t come back. That’s why I never started smoking. I just don’t have the time.
I’m famous people used to have talent years old.
Who called it Star Trek III – The Search For Spock and not Finding Nemoy?
Standing naked in front of the mirrors trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner.
Home Depot manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”
[First day as a mortician]
Me: Anybody seen my grapes?
[Later]
Widow: *looking down at casket* His eyes look weird
Marriage vows in the future will include things like “During pandemics, I promise not to judge how many glasses of wine you drink.”
Think of a thing.
Theres an e cig flavor for that.
Yes, I absolutely want to hear about your cat’s medication.
Horse girls and cat ladies get all the attention but what about crow women
Now that I’m in charge of Santa’s milk and cookies, it’s payback time for that Barbie townhouse I never got.
Our elf hasn’t moved in 4 nights. Daughter asked if he was in a coma
“did you ever get married?”
[wife looks around her old gym at high school reunion and sees me debating if I can touch the rim] no
[1868]
*forgets cup of coffee on top of horse*
True love doesn’t care about the look or size of your wallet, it’s all about what is inside ….. the wallet.
Don’t invite me places. I was cesarean. I didn’t want to come out then and I certainly don’t want to now
Microsoft Developer: We’ll call it “Excel!”
Manager: Great! What will it do?
Developer: The opposite of that.
ME: William Shatner ate breakfast before he goes to the gym.
TEACHER: It should all be present tense.
ME: William Shitner eats breakfast before he goes to the gym.
I’m sorry I got you birth control for Christmas and said it was my gift to the world.
Never bring your fists to a knife fight. Never bring a knife to a gun fight. And whatever you do, stay far, far away from a fight between two geese.
doctor: get ready to say “aaah”
me: why are we on the roof
Secret Panel HERE 🔪
Apparently in my absence my husband has hung cat-level wall art. So sophisticated 🧐
Life Lessons From Cats:
• take more naps
• rules were meant to be broken
• it’s okay to hide when you’re scared
• always demand respect
• if you have an itch, scratch it
• find joy in the simple things
• you can bury your shit but eventually someone’s gonna find it
*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matchesCashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”*wine
*tampons
I just heard the phrase “murdered to death” and wondered if there’s any other option
Who Left The Bag Of Idiots Open?
person: wanna be friends and get to know each other at a normal pace?
me: wanna write a movie together toDAY???
Here’s my thread about the spiders I’ve taken outside
– tonight was Bruce. He was medium sized and fast, but cooperated well 4/5 stars