Aight bet
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Welcome to your forties, you’re now wondering why younger people are so dumb
My kid just started to learn how to play the drums and for 5 dollars I can send you a sound file to use as a method of torture for those coworkers who cook fish in the microwave
Ughh…7 more hours till I can go home. Oh, sorry, my Canadian friends…7 more Kilometers till I can go home. Or is it liters?
Movember is over, so this week anyone looking like a pedophile is actually a pedophile.
People who say “why wasn’t I invited?” don’t realize that they are actually the real winners.
Be careful giving your kids access to the internet. I let my 3-year-old play on my phone for 30 minutes and now she won’t stop talking about a podcast she listened to.
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone. Who threw that? Gary, was that you? Don’t act innocent, I know you download music illegally.
Behind every child flushing the toilet is a parent yelling “WASH YOUR HANDS.”
Springsteen: baby we were born to run
Springsadult: let’s just take a cab
*demon enters my body
*20 minutes later, demon calls an exorcist
A high-pressure hose will usually stop a coworker from showing you any more baby photos.
me: can I try
satan: no
me: why not
satan pausing xbox: well it wouldn’t be hell then would it
Me: I’m really enjoying this disaster movie.
Him: That’s the news.
Autocorrect changed my condolence tweet from “your family is in my thoughts” to “your family is in my thighs” and now I’m blocked.
On the off chance you choose to start a rumor about me, please make it extra hot so I can live vicariously, thanks
Them: lastly what’s up with this gap in your résumé?
Me: ah that was the year we got fitted sheets and I…
Them: …yup, say no more.
[pirate ship]
Pirate: Walk the plank
Me: *struts down like nobody’s business*
Pirate: wait come back that was awesome you’re one of us now
I say ‘tomato’, you say ‘put your hands where I can see them and exit the vehicle slowly’ .
Angel: Welcome to Heaven
Me: But… this is a Costco…
A: Yes. And here is a map with the exact locations listed for every item you need
M: *falls to my knees, sobbing with emotion and gratitude*
Caesar: You will be forced to fight to the death
Gladiator: Hell yeah
Madiator: well this is bullshit
(cloud briefly passing overhead, obscuring the sun) what fresh hell is this ?
If you’re a helicopter pilot and you don’t keep a ‘flying for dummies’ book in your cockpit, you’re missing a great opportunity for a giggle
[at bar]
Gee, I’m so hungry I could eat a horse
*nearby horse slams down his whisky*
COME ON THEN TOUGH GUY
*horse throws the 1st punch*
i want to try Dungeons and Dragons but you need more than 3 friends to even start?? that’s the hardest dungeon of all
So you’ve had white presidents, a black president and now an orange one. I’m crossing my fingers for the Hulk next time around.
4: Mommy, you’re just like a Disney movie. We should play pretend.
Me: Aww! Sure!
4:You can be the Beast.
Me: …
4: Or the fat sea witch!
when i was in elementary school we learned about a shape called a rhombus & that was the last time i ever heard about that shape ever again
Oh, you’re a witch? Name three children you’ve eaten.
[astronaut test]
Before you begin, questions?
[hand raised]
“Is it true the moon is cheese?”
Are you that damn mouse again?
[mouse runs out]
Kid: Dad, where do babies come from?
Me: Um…
Kid:
Me: You mix baby oil with baby powder. Stir in baby peas. Then you-
Kid: I’m asking mom.
Me: ᵒʰ ᵗʰᵃⁿᵏ ᵍᵒᵈ