Ask your doctor if your dominant hand is right for you
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me: my dog won’t stop laughing at me
vet: this is a hyena
One day she says “Treat me like a princess,” the next she’s pissed that I married her off in exchange for an alliance with Spain. Women…
Biden: Showed Trump our terror briefings about Equestria.
Obama: Equestria? Isn’t that My Little Pony?
Biden: 😉
SCIENTIST: if we feed cows seaweed we can slash greenhouse gas levels
[later]
SCIENTIST [watching dead cows float in the ocean]: well shit
[hamster construction site]
“Colin, you seen Dave?”
I left him manning the concrete mixer
“Oh no”
[cut to Dave having the time of his life]
i bet when fish see it’s raining they’re like “oh cool a refill”
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
I dipped my toe into social media in 2015. I should have severed that toe.
Date: Your eyes look beautiful in the moon’s light.
Me: Awww.
Date: *leans in for a kiss*
Me: The moon doesn’t make light, stupid.
Would you flush a $20 bill down the toilet? Of course not. Yet you’re doing it every time you flush 4 $5 bills down the toilet. I’ll explain
Airport Announcer: Please report any unattended items to TSA
Me: *sees random 3-year-old running around*
Me: *slowly reaches for phone*
Inventor of balloons: You know what this party needs? Rubber balls filled with my breath
The only difference between a psychiatrist and a drug dealer is that the drug dealer doesn’t make you wait an hour.
“What do we want?”
“Hearing aids.”
“When do we want them?”
“Hearing aids.”
A lot of folks out there missing the point…
The dietitian told me peanut butter is healthy if I eat it with something low-calorie, so I chose a spoon.
My husband left me this morning. Again.
he’ll be back after work, but still. I’m getting really sick of these games.
New bird on my deck today. Not in my bird book. Will eat seed. Will not fly. Concerned may be hurt.
I have a dog to make sure that the noises in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those noises.
The way I’m terrified to one day raise a teenager you’d think they have rabies
I want a fast formal restaurant. Food comes out in two minutes, but they won’t serve you unless you’re wearing a suit with tails. I think this could be a little fun while society breaks down
[I find a mysterious note in kitchen]
“LEAF 1 MILLLION UNMARKD DOG TREETS N BAKYARD BY SONDOWN OR WE RELEASH PICHURES OF U PETTIN A CAT”
I was going to fake my own death but I didn’t want to have to start a new Twitter account from scratch.
8 out of 24 Americans cannot reduce a fraction.
Screw it. SCREW EVERYTHING.
– me, 5 minutes after learning how to use a power drill
My 4-year-old was crying when his favorite pair of pants no longer fit him and I was like, “Dude, I get it. I totally get it.”
Them: “when are you back?” You: “next week.” (Week passes) You: “I’m back, let’s hang.” Them: “how long are you here?”
Terrifying if literal: the walls have ears
Me: The voices are telling me to do things again.
Boss: No shit. That’s my voice. You haven’t done a thing since you got here this morning.
the first guy to ride a horse was all like GIDDYUP HORSEY and the horse was all like DAMMIT WHO TOLD HIM THAT MAKES US GO