Some people are glistening beacons of nope.
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15 yo daughter has a friend over and suddenly 13 yo son wants to walk around curling dumbbells.
I just come here for the free life advice and inspirational quotes from people who’s lives are complete train wrecks.
The clean up after sex is definitely no small task but the confetti cannons and balloon drop make it all worth it.
Boycott kissing men at midnight. It’s New Year’s Eve not New Years Steve.
Me: *smoking* you were fabulous
Burrito: thank you
Putting all my mental health eggs in the daily word game basket.
If I see someone has deliberately parked their big expensive car so that no one can use the space next to them I will do everything I can to try and squeeze in to the spot. My record is 6 minutes of careful manoeuvring and having to exit through the boot.
Who him? Oh that’s just jimmy, I pay him to follow me around and inter-
*saxophone solo*
INTERRUPT MY SENTENCES WITH SAXOPHONE SOLOS.
ME, HOLDING A MIC TO MY DOG’S MOUTH: who’s a good boy
DOG: your mom
ME: please take this seriously
I hope to be a cat in my next life so that I can make someone’s life more fulfilling without actually having to do anything for them.
Me: Anything you can do I can do better, I CAN DO ANYTHING BETTER THAN YOU!
Mom: Why are you yelling at the dog?
My husband kept me up last night playing Call of Duty on his phone, so this morning I changed his ringtone to someone farting, and then called him repeatedly when he went to the gym.
[in the insect dissection room]
Your fly is open.
*wife leaves message on fridge w/ magnets*
WE ARET HROUGH
maybe it’s an anagram *rearranges*
ROUGH WEATHER
whoa better pack an umbrella
Doctor: “I need to draw some blood.”
Me: “Okay.”
Doctor: “Do you have a red crayon I could borrow?”
I just want the confidence of someone who can sneeze without crossing their legs.
Netflix just asked me “Are you really going to eat that too?”
“so doc… am I dying?”
“we’re all dying, just at different speeds”
“but what about me”
“You’re like, the Usain Bolt of dying dude lmao”
[zoo]
GUIDE: i told you not to feed the monkeys
ME: it’s a cigar
If you see a dentist get shot and hes bleeding out, just casually mention how he needs to floss more so he doesnt bleed out like that
SUPERVILLAIN: [thrusting kryptonite into my side]
ME: How did you discover my weakness? [gasping for air] I… hate… being… stabbed…
She’s marrying HIM?! TODAY?!
*cut to me sprinting across town to stop the wedding but I see a good dog at the park and pet him instead*
I like running up to kids, punching a puppy in the face and screaming “WHERE IS YOUR GOD NOW?” And that’s my long-term solution to religion.
I’m going spiraling, do you need anything?
I put two pairs of cargo pants in my cargo pants pockets, just in case I need more cargo pants.
In hindsight I spent far too much time and money on gifts considering that my 6yo spent all of Christmas night playing with an electric toothbrush
There are 2 types of people in this world: those that can parallel park on the 1st try and those that don’t think they are better than everyone else.
True story:
I once went on a date and for some reason started talking about dolphins mating. I never saw her again.
Doctor: send me a message on the patient portal if you have any questions?
Me: what happens to our energy after we die?
Doctor: no, not like that
Me: do crabs think fish can fly?
Doctor: not like that either
Me: how many popsicles is too many popsicles?
Doctor: please stop