[listening to twenty one pilots]
ME: ok ok one at a time
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I did a bad I need to share
I broke a thing they can’t repair
I tried denial I tried despair
But settled on a vacant stare
[first day in the Coast Guard]
Sea Captain: HELP MY SHIP IS SINKING!
Me: [lying in boat hammock] sorry buddy, I joined the Coast Guard not the Work Hard Guard.
There’s “disappointment” and then there’s “Waiter walking past my table with food I thought was mine disappointment”
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘impossible’
“Oh, well I guess no point in trying”
*walks off stage*
Don’t worry when I get to heaven I’ll put in a good word for you guys
Little Drummer Boy: I have no gift to bring, pa rum pum pum pum.
Mary: What about that rad drum?
Little Drummer Boy: No
Mary: Get out
I like my jims slim and my chances fat
Ghostbusters commercial: who you gonna call?
Ghost haunting me: [looks at me nervously]
Me: lmao like you’re scarier than a phone call
I’m not judging you, I’m just trying to guess what medications you’re on.
*looks at you in batman voice*
Alexa, set the neighbor’s fire alarms for 3am.
anyone at the gym with no headphones is training to avenge someone’s death
Forgot I was sharing my screen and everyone saw my beanie babies inventory spreadsheet omg
Boss: Did you get my email?
Me: Yes. It had italics, all-caps, and highlighting and I had no idea how to prioritize that information.
Isn’t that the name of the guy that played Sherlock Holmes?
My kids teach frat boys how to trash houses.
They act like technology is ruining childhood, but back in the day, kids were so bored they would turn their eyelids inside out for fun.
Like a mouse stuck in a mouse trap because its desire for cheese was too great, I too am stuck in a mouse trap
I just realized that there is absolutely nothing stopping me from telling elderly people that I wrote Despacito
[pinned down by sniper fire]
Squad leader: I’m going in. Hughes, lay down some cover for me
Me [putting a blanket on the floor]: you betcha
boss:
me:
boss:
me: [slowly removing tiara i made out of binder clips]
me: I need to buy new stamps so I’m not sending out condolence cards with Disney villain stamps on them
friend: no one grieves like Gaston, acts bereaved like Gaston
me: how are you doing this
friend: no one orders ornate funeral wreaths like Gaston
I photoshopped myself into a photo booth strip a coworker had on her desk and replaced it. And now we wait…
I’d like to say the best moment of a woman’s life is giving birth, but it’s actually seeing an old nemesis & realizing she got really fat.
#dalle2
Good thing we bought this rowing machine, there’s no room left on the treadmill to hang clothes.
*opens up briefcase in court, revealing snakes*
“Wait. Then that means-”
[cut to my nemesis waking up surrounded by my opening statement]
Oh I can’t, my doctor said I should cut back on people.
Read an article that said Google is making us dumber. whatever, I’ve always used Google and I’m super [googles synonym for smart] able.
Cleavage is the original Jedi Mind Trick.