listerine whitening mouthwash is just purple shampoo for teeth
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No I’m not drunk driving
My kids just keep demanding I LOOK
Revenge sounds so mean-spirited and hurtful. I prefer to think of it as returning the favor.
I baked cookies in an EZ Bake oven when I was eleven and now they’re ready.
Orangutan coworkers be like “What did you have for lunch? I had two oranges, one apple, one coconut, two mangos, three limes, ten lemons, one papaya, a guava, fifty five grapes, and ten kiwis”
Buying a house is like “we have no way of knowing you’ll pay back this mortgage of £500 a month”
“I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”
“Why can’t you save up £25000 to reassure us you can afford £500”
“Because I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”
Darth Vader was built for COVID-19. Great face mask & the ability to force choke anyone within 6 feet.
physically I’m in this realm but spiritually I’m running through halls in a silk robe wondering where to hide my rich dead husband
*overheard in women’s bathroom*
I think there’s a guy in here.
them: I like that filter on you
me: [doesn’t have snap but enjoys mounting butterflies directly to my head] th… thanks
Me: For dinner we’re having Fettucine Alfredo
Alfredo: Fettucine and what?
if you watch Titanic from d back; it’s about dead people resurrecting from the sea, pulling up a ship fixing it and sailing to England
I just figured out the name of a song that had been stuck in my head for a month, and it felt like dislodging a popcorn kernel the size of a ping pong ball from my teeth.
Give me one reason why I shouldn’t pass this math class
“You held up 2 fingers just now”
Ok then give me that many reasons
“So how was your day today at work?”
“You wouldn’t believe me if I told you.” 🤦♂️😳🤯😂
Boycott kissing men at midnight. It’s New Year’s Eve not New Years Steve.
There’s no way that Cinderella was treated like shit her entire life, then a prince tells her he loves her & she wasn’t like “yeah right.”
Texting is a brilliant way to miscommunicate how you feel, and misinterpret what other people mean.
GHOSTBUSTER: so wait, you called us because your neighbor painted his fence purple?
ME: it’s strange, weird, and it doesn’t look good—your lyrics couldn’t be more clear about this
Her: “I want you to have this bracelet that belonged to my grandfather.”
Me: “Why does it say ‘Do Not Resuscitate’ on it?”
It’s world hepatitis day. Spread it around.
A cop pulled me over and said ‘papers’ I said ‘scissors’ and drove off. I win.
Not to brag…
… but practically all of my arrest warrants are considered ‘outstanding’.
Neighbor asked me over for coffee and said ‘make yourself comfortable’, so I did, I went home.
*7 talking to my father*
7: You were in a war?
My Dad: Yes, Vietnam.
7: Did you die?
Who cares about the new GTA when you can sit down and enjoy the new testament
I could win awards for having a bad memory.
In fact, I probably did. How would I know.
Her: I want to travel the world in the new year
Me: I can see the whole universe in your eyes..
Her: I WANT TO TRAVEL THE WORLD OKAY.
I’m brave but not just grab any shampoo off the store shelf without smelling it before buying it brave.
Not to brag, but several of my tweets have been described as ‘unfortunate’.