WIFE: The fire department is at the front door again
ME: *hiding my mixtape* Do they look mad?
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Talk to your kids about drugs.
Always stay informed about what drug is cool. You don’t wanna be a nerd parent.
HILLARY CLINTON: Putin wants a puppet as the US president
KERMIT THE FROG: YAAAYYYYYYYYY!!!
Netflix subtitles be like “[speaks Japanese]” well okay baby but what they saying???
Tree:
Tree Doctor: it’s a Tree house
Tree: oh no
Tree Doctor: you have humans
I just left a court docket with 47 cases. I was number 4 and 43. The judge took the bench and took one look at me with my Kleenex and hacking cough and said, “Patient zero, YOU will be going first.”
Never has looking like complete crap made me so happy.
I once tried to the Dirty Dancing lift with my cat but it turns out Mr. Mittens isn’t very strong.
Like shark attacks on humans, it’s actually extremely rare. The majority of antique, porcelain headed dolls aren’t interested in murdering people.
don’t eat yellow snow is a pretty sound rule but i would warn against eating any kind of weather
This will never not be funny to me.
The popularity of this combination speaks of a world thus far hidden from me.
[in church]
“And Jesus, our saviour, died on the cross for your sins.”
[vicar points directly at me & entire congregation collectively nods]
every pillow ad now is just them hurling shit like bowling balls at the product and acting like it means something. “see how poorly our competitors deflect this Olympian’s shot put?” great point, i’ll keep your product in mind if i go completely insane
“Mommy! We made pancakes!” and other terrifying things unsupervised children say.
PRINCESS PEACH: oh Mario I have terrible news
MARIO: what is it
PRINCESS PEACH: Luigi is dead!
MARIO: who?
PRINCESS PEACH: *sighs and pinches bridge of her nose* green you is dead
MARIO: oh no!
My cardio is just me following my kids from room to room and turning off the lights.
Greatest Fears:
-Sharks
-Ebola
-Bears
-Bear Sharks
-Bear Sharks with Ebola
-Sharks with Lazers
-Man carrying a clipboard on the sidewalks
[MURDER TRIAL]
JUDGE: So in 27 years of marriage, you never knew your wife was allergic to salt?
MR.SLUG:[Into mic] That’s correct.
Of all the typos I’ve seen on here, “terrorists synthesizer” is one of my favourite.
[putting an old car in reverse] oh this takes me back
I bet that Heimlich was just a perv who molested people from behind, and one time accidentally saved someone from choking.
“40 is the new 20”
*Pulls a muscle*
“40 is the new 80”
Before I had a kid I thought, god, I wish I could say “please put your shoes on” 17,000 times every morning.
My dreams have come true.
I began writing full time 20 years ago. I’ve sold lots – my tv, my car, my jewellery…
When in a heated disagreement with someone, always try to be the bigger person. That way, you can intimidate the other person with your height.
My husband and I were at a restaurant and the couple next to us kept feeding each other and let me tell you we would NEVER do that unless it was poison
I just saw an 18 year old Girl Scout selling cookies in her uniform and I don’t know how to finish this tweet without sounding really creepy
[strip to the waist for my fight club debut]
Opponent: “dude they meant the top half” *walks away*
[I claim victory and retire undefeated]
What’s the craziest thing you’ve done for money?
I’ll go first: I went to college.
Unless there’s a picture of you getting attacked by a shark, I don’t want to see your vacation pictures.
If you want me to save a horse and ride a cowboy, you better spare a tree and eat a beaver.