Wife: I have to go to the store. Need anything?
Me: I need a Valentine’s Day card for you. Get something nice but not too pricey.
Wife: Yep
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My boyfriend threw out the packaging for our turkey crown. The packaging with the cooking instructions on it. Because I am a generous and mature person I said “never mind, I should have said.” And HE SAID “yes you should have really”.
And that’s what happened your honour.
My suspicious mole cancelled my appointment with a dermatologist.
I texted my girlfriend “goodnight, love you” but accidentally sent it to my boss. Now Its awkward, cause he holds my hand during meetings.
People stick up those “Baby on Board” signs as if their infant is somehow more precious than my 4-foot travel bong.
Safety first
I shaved my eyebrows off so I could become a successful poker player
Her: make this delicious snack in just five easy steps
Me, opening a chip bag in one easy step: no
Lifehack: Save your gently used pistachio shells to throw at weddings in lieu of expensive rice!
y’all make fun of men without bed frames but guess who physically can’t have monsters under the bed now, huh?
My date telling me that I reminded her of her father would have made me feel much less uncomfortable at dinner than it did the next morning.
Of course I can handle constructive criticism
*resents you for the next 50 yrs
INTERVIEWER: strengths?
ME: I’m good at presenting both sides of an argument
INTERVIEWER: great
ME: which could also be a weakness…
genie: u have three wishes, but u can’t make someone love u
me: random rule but ok
genie: seriously don’t even try
me: ok i won’t
genie:
me:
genie: *crying* trust me it doesn’t work
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
Well, Well, Well if it isn’t the words I was told I would eat one day.
My kid is playing Santa and told me to pretend to sleep, and I’m just glad he finally came up with a game I can win
“Can’t Take My Eyes Off You” by Frankie Valli can come on and I’m all about it, singing that horn section and getting real loud I LOVE YOU BABY AND IF IT’S QUITE ALRIGHT I NEED YOU BABY.. u do that too don’t lie
My husband was telling a long, boring story and my 10 year old interrupted with, “Surprising. But you know what’s not surprising? How much money Matt saved by switching to Geico.”
Anyway, I’m in trouble for laughing too hard.
it says here you got fired from Olive Garden because you kept saying
“pasta la vista, baby” to people. why would you put that on a resume
Been trying to get cash from my local ATM for a week but it keeps saying “insufficient funds.” You’d think they’d have refilled it by now.
Ok so for next Halloween ill be mozart.
“I’ll be beethoven!”
Yeah okay, calm down sally. So Mr. Terminator who will you be?“I’LL BE BACH.”
You can’t have your cake and thigh gap too.
I think they should use stronger sealant on cookie packaging so at least you get a decent workout before eating the entire box.
The important thing to remember is that nobody asked you.
Pilot: There’s a loose…
Engineer: Tape.
P: And some rivets hav…
E: Tape.
P: Also signs of metal fatigu…
E: Tape.
P: And a panel is missi…
E: Tape.
P: Hydraulic failu…
E: Tape.
P: Th…
E: Tape.
P:
E: Tape.
I’m about to risk it all
They really need to stop naming hospitals after dead people.
Give us some hope.
her: i love croissants
me: *trying to impress* i’m flaky too