The midwest is a crazy place like it’s just corn and corn and corn and corn and then bam, viking restaurant.
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Before I had kids I was going to be an awesome mom.
Remembering the year my son sent me a Mother’s Day card saying ‘you’re like a mother to me.’
One time I got so nervous when a guy took off his pants in front of me I said “friggity diggity” please do not rt
Dear water parks, what stops you from building an escalator to the swim slide?
Apparently everyone on the zoom calls outside my office finds my singing distracting.
[stuck at home]
son: omg so bored
daughter: omg so bored
wife: omg so bored
me: omg so bored
dog: this is the greatest day of my life
Am I…are we… is this a date? *elevator opens & he leaves*
A lot of people don’t know this but the couch that played coffee shop couch in Friends is a couch in real life too
[war]
COLONEL: The enemy is nearing…we need to turn up the heat
DAD SOLDIER: I am not paying to heat the entire war
“can you send us a writing sample?” no but i can send you multiple screenshots of me killing it in the group chat
Oh predictive text, how you tournament me.
4: Mom, how long was dad inside you?
Me:
4: Mom???
Me: What the f-
4: Well??? How long was he inside you before you had him?
Me: Oh honey no I didn’t birth your dad, grandma did!
God: letting you name each other’s breeds was brilliant on my part.
Cat: for the dogs I got Great Dane, Saint Bernard, and Golden Retriever : )
God: nice! your turn Dog!
Dog: oh.
Cat: I’m so excited!
Dog: alleycat.
Cat:
Dog: look I didn’t know we were being serious.
*me, dead for several years, in my casket six feet in the earth. suddenly, my phone, which i insisted on being buried with me, lights up*
{linkedin notification} congratulate david crandall on working 4 years at the ground beef station at taco bell
Have you tried locking him in your trunk?
Kylo Ren: Hey, why is my paycheck so low?
General Hux: Damages. Maybe you should stop throwing temper tantrums with your lightsaber.
A milkshake in the yard yields hornets. Therefore, place a hidden milkshake in the yard of your enemies.
Barkeep. Send a drink over to little ms. thang over there. Tell her it’s from me
Sir, that’s a Ms. Pac-Man machine
*raises glass, winks*
We should have burned social media to the ground when they started helping us reconnect with old friends
It’s 2035:
By law, all burglar alarms are fitted with projectors so burglars are distracted by dancing Tupac holograms until police arrive.
I’m not sure who looks more frightened & confused when someone knocks on my door, the dog or me?
There are many reasons relationships don’t work out.
DIstance should never be one of them.
You want them?
Go get them Xxx
I told the baby to stop throwing her cup and she immediately grabbed it, took a long drink, threw it across the room and then looked me dead in the eye and said, “Uh oh.”
Mixology students be like, “My mint leaf dissertation needs to slap.”
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
Every time I see people kiss goodbye as they get out of a car, I think how lucky I am that I didn’t get that Uber driver.
me: omg did you just steal that from the kitchenware department? you could’ve got caught!
him: what can I say, I’m a whisk taker
”I wonder how long cake is good for before it goes stale?”
*I say to myself as I eat the last slice from a cake made earlier that day
Someone on Facebook asked what they should name a horse with a parent named Red Wine. I said Caberneigh and I keep cracking up when I think about it.
I am my target audience.