[documentary on bees]
“the reason why we’re filming the bees twenty miles away using the world’s longest super zoom camera is because of the bees”
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No need to pay for a gym when accidentally liking a selfie online makes your palms sweat and your heart race for free.
The coolest Superhero would be The Inaudible Woman.
May someone of my non-German mutuals explain German Burger King to me:
Waiter: What dressing would you like on your salad?
Me: Ice cream
Doctor: I have good news and bad news
Me: What’s the good news?
Doctor: The good news is you’re alive. The bad news is you’re going to have to diet and exercise to stay that way
A hawk swooped low to fly alongside my car, and for a moment I felt at one with the universe. We both were going somewhere, the hawk and I. Also, each of us was eating a mouse
A waffle is just a more considerate pancake. It’s like, here, let me hold that syrup for you in these convenient boxes.
Scotch neat please
Umm…this is a Starbucks
*sigh
Ok a scotch “grande”
Some generations will never know having to drive by someone’s house to see if they’re home.
In retrospect, dressing as a killer whale when I was assigned to assassinate the Pope wasn’t my best idea. I blame Ubisoft, honestly.
Me: If you want to be a Jedi, you have to follow strict rules.
Rey: Like what?
Me: Don’t hook up with anyone. They might be related.
those birds must be on payroll
My wife thought it would be cute to take a shower with our toddler and now there’s poop in the tub and everyone is screaming.
My neighbor’s 2yo is on my front lawn shouting NO NO NO NO. Not sure what she’s protesting but I’m gonna go join her.
Her: so yesterday, I was sweeping—
Me: must be the season of the witch LMAO
Her: ugh that is IT *turns me into a newt*
I don’t personally believe in hell but I need other people to so I can tell them to go there
*Goes to Vegas casino
*Steps out of limo
Casino manager: Sir, are you a high roller?
Me: I am, now point me to your finest claw machine.
OK, I’m ready for Senior Mints now.
The Earth is 70% uncarbonated water
Therefore the Earth is flat.
Me: I don’t remember this mirror being here before
Wife: you’re watching a documentary about warthogs
“I’m an actress”
I watched your web series, and I disagree.
Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.
Sincerely, every parent everywhere.
I’m Indian but not “able to read sanskrit” Indian so slow down there Raj, aside from the heart eye emojis I have no idea wtf your DM means.
Me: Oh this is a cute selfie!
Brain: Look again
Me: No, you’re right I’m a monster
Brain: As you were
Me: Yes ma’am
Patients get nervous when I walk into surgery wearing my lucky cape but I didn’t go to medical school so I need all the luck I can get.
still thinking about the time my bf told me I was “boring and unoriginal,” and the only thing I could respond with was “no, YOU’RE boring and unoriginal”
My favorite German children’s story is that one where some unspeakably terrifying thing happens to teach a minor lesson.
I realized taking dogs for walks is basically their way of checking social media. One lap of smells is a newsfeed scroll. Peeing is posting.
[on date]
Here, let me help you with your jacket!
*i gently remove her jacket*
This is mine now. Cya
What’s it like to work in customer service/retail?
Imagine there’s a race of people called customers.
Now imagine you’re a huge racist.