I googled “where do ninjas live?” no results were found.
Well played ninjas. Well played.
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*wakes up hungover, sweaty*
*licks arm*
*gets drunk*
Whoever robbed the archery store, take a bow.
I went for a hill walk in the rain yesterday. Anyway long story short, I can still do the splits
If your phone rings during a movie, answer it “Yes, Mr. President. Right away, sir!” And then run head first through the screen.
You think they keep the lights low for ambiance, but really it’s cuz that restaurant hasn’t dusted since 1986.
If god didn’t like sex, He wouldn’t make us scream His name when it’s really hot.
Made a dermatology appt for a really weird mole I’d never seen. It was a burned crumb of pizza crust that fell down my shirt. So anyway, I ate it and called my eye doctor.
there are these baby robins in a nest outside my window and all they do is chirp for attention and food all day so it seems nature is just like twitter
i turned 40 and suddenly i can’t see shit if i drive at night and it’s raining. Is the lane still there? Idk. Did the road disappear? Idk. Am I even on the road anymore? Nope.
Go ahead and call HR, I don’t even work here.
A lorry carrying pens, rulers and compasses has overturned on the M1.
Traffic is currently stationery in both directions.
Dear Cupid,
Next time hit both.
[helping kid w/math]
What is 0.1 as a fraction?
“One tenth?”
Good, now what does 10% mean?
“Battery low, plug in your phone?”
Perfect
Republicans, don’t forget to set your clocks back 50 years
Don’t go to the library; go to the truthbrary!
Got food poisoning and the restaurant offered me a voucher for a free meal. You know, because they didn’t get me the first time.
Whenever someone calls me, instead of texting, I just assume they’ve had a horrific accident and have lost the use of their fingers & thumbs
at my funeral, I need one of you to stand up and ask if you can have your toaster back
I never finish anything. I have a black belt in partial arts.
[pregnant with first child]
Wife: our daughter is only going to eat organic, non-gmo, non-processed foods and drink volcanic rock filtered water from the island of Atlantis.
[two years later]
Me: our daughter just licked Cheeto crumbs off the floor.
Wife: she’s fine.
Her: I wish you would surprise me sometimes.
Me: *shedding my human skin to reveal I am actually Nergal, Mesopotamian God of death*
Her: No, not like that.
cop pulling me over: whoa whoa, where are you off to in such a hurry
me: some of your colleagues are chasing me
You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.
Wife: “Oh Honey, what would you do without me?”
Me: “realistically or in my fantasies?”
-Where was I conceived, dad?
Dad: Ahh *rubs back of neck* At the Bellagio in Las Vegas.
-Rly?
Dad: Wd I lie to u, Bestwestern Broomcloset?
Before I had kids I was going to be an awesome mom.
*kicks door down*
*realizes its the wrong house*
*leaves*
*comes back with tool bag*
*fixes door*
*apologizes*
My house is clean so please don’t eat or drink or come by or let my child come home.
Midwife [handing my baby]: make sure you support his head
Me: that’s a really great, floppy little head you’ve got there. Well done
[2nd time at girls house]
“where’s your dog?”
Oh he isn’t mine. I was dog sitting
[makes text alert sound w mouth] “Its work. I gotta go”