The worst part of having kids is doing all the math you never thought you’d see again.
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I’d like to take a moment to thank everyone who took time out of her or his busy schedule to tell me, “omg you look like hell.”
Put those painful memories somewhere the mind can’t see them.
Alcohol: *ears perk up*
Because of aquariums I thought I loved marine biology but it turns out I just really like the idea of fish prison.
[first day in the Coast Guard]
Sea Captain: HELP MY SHIP IS SINKING!
Me: [lying in boat hammock] sorry buddy, I joined the Coast Guard not the Work Hard Guard.
drank a Mike’s Hard Lemonade & crashed my dirt bike into a mailbox RT @McDonalds Good morning! How was your weekend?
me, after any kind of buffet.
Going for a walk because I want to stay healthy. Taking along a box of M&M’s because let’s be honest here.
I asked my imaginary friend if I was emotionally stable, and she said yes, so…
Mark Strong is Stanley Tucci’s dark twin and we don’t even talk about it.
Your mum doesn’t think it’s safe for you to have a treehouse, but I’m gonna go out on a limb and build you one.
ODE TO TWITTER
🎶Twinkle, twinkle little star,
How I wonder where you are,
Twitter changed you to a heart,
I don’t think they’re very smart🎶
[first date]
Date: So what do you do for a living?
Jesus: I’m a carpenter but my real passion is hosting self-help seminars.
*yells from space*
Did you kill that spider?!
Most Well-known Speeches:
1. Gettysburg Address – Abe Lincoln
2. I Have a Dream – Martin Luther King
3. You Need to Floss – Every Dentist
My ex asked if I have a boyfriend, saying my daughter keeps talking about ‘Jerome’. Jerome is our roomba.
Me: What do mathematicians and marine biologists have in common?
Wife: Oh god
Me: They study algae, brah!
Judge: Divorce granted
In Texas you’re allowed to shoot someone just for being on your property. Man if I lived there I’d host sooo many parties
Me: *opening can of worms
Husband: Where the hell did that come from?
Me: I can’t resist a sale.
Wife: I can’t remember beef ever being this expensive
Me: Would you say the steaks have never been higher? LOL
Wife: Please wait in the car. Our car this time.
I opened a card at my desk that was decorated with glitter and now my coworkers think I have a night job.
Tea without sugar isn’t “unsweetened tea”.
It’s. Just. Tea.
In India, when they say there’s an elephant in the room, there’s an elephant in the room.
9 Year Old: Where do babies come from?
Me: (pause) Europe.
Doctors just told me I have “stripper lung” from inhaling too much brass polish & if I go back to “JIGGLERS” again I’ll die.
Intelligence:
Below average – Loves Joe Rogan
Average – Thinks he’s okay and listens occasionally
Above average – Despises Joe Rogan
Genius level – Never heard of Joe Rogan
Top 1% genius – Have never heard of Joe Rogan but are scheduled to be on his show next week
“I have a hard time with faces. One time I mistook a wolf for my dead grandmother LOL!”
– Little Red Riding Hood, talking to a coat rack.
Make sure your blind date from the internet has a big car. Nothing worse than a trunk with no leg room.
She’s a ten. Keeps me dry when camping, easy to pack up and take wherever – hang on, being told that’s a tent.
teacher: sometimes i think you’re failing spelling on purpose. but what’s the angle
me: that thing with the harp and wings
teacher: never mind
Me: some mornings I see myself in the mirror and think what am I even getting ready for
Therapist: sorry, can you pull the toothbrush out of your beard