“This restaurant is so good I came twice,” she says.
“When was the other time you ate here?” he asks.
“Oh, no, this is my first time here.”
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I don’t cook, I more so… Dabble in the kitchen 😏
– me flirting
[At the first thanksgiving]
Pilgrims: Im thankful for the land you gave us
Natives: we didnt give you land?
Pilgrims: *winks at the camera*
Whenever I see a Toyota Prius pulled over for speeding the first thing I look for is a ACME rocket mounted on the roof.
My wife must have some big surprise vacation planned.
She left a note by the bed telling me I had until tomorrow to have my bags packed.
I love when people apologize for ‘not tweeting much lately’ as if veiled mourners were lighting candles for their immediate return
“Jurassic Park” is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
Cop: Could I have your name?
Me: Well, you could, but it would be an incredible coincidence.
*Send Bail Money*
BOB THE BUILDER: Can we fi-
MACGYVER: Done.
I love being single and independent but my wife says I’m not allowed
I just hid a big bag of Easter peanut butter cups in the back of the freezer. In July I’ll find them and be very pleased then convinced I have dementia.
[texting my friend]
me: sorry I missed your party yesterday
friend: it’s today actually
me: read this again tomorrow then
Name fifty reasons you think I’m too demanding.
I’ve been buying men’s hoodies for years for myself. It’s all about skipping the middle man.
Scientists use dead bodies? Jesus, I know they’re nerds but they should still be able to make living friends.
[ cookout ]
Me: OMG this ketchup is amazing!
Host: yea yea we all know you brought the ketchup
u buy breath mints? who needs to buy breath mints, people give me breath mints all the time, they just hand it to me like “here, take this.” also, why are u buying soap
We don’t have wifi in Tennessee. I just pray my tweets into my phone and let Him (#Christ) do the rest.
Mormon cats have 9 wives.
Sharon I have some bad news
The A string on my guit_r is flat
video games are rated M for mature if they contain scenes of someone buying reading glasses or complaining about not getting enough fiber
I saw a pigeon walking alone today. I was like you and me both buddy then he met up with his friends and I was like TRAITOR!
How come I can get free wifi with a $3 cup of coffee but I can’t get it with a $150 hotel room?
bananaphobia: when you don’t have any nagging fears but your therapist puts you on the spot so you pick whatever you had for breakfast
My wife says I’ve placed unreasonable expectations on our kids, but I think Superman and Wolverine will turn out just fine.
“How old are you?”
Things you say to your third child.
Shout out to all the animals that help Disney princesses get shit done.
Scientist “human beings are psychologically prone to fundamentally misjudging probabilities.”
Me “That sounds really unlikely.”
I made the preteen life form laugh twice today and I just want to know if I can go ahead and retire from parenting because it must all be downhill from here.
[interview for an accounting job]
Your resumé says your greatest strength is using idioms. How can that help in this job?“You do the math”