Person: I like you
Me: *eyes narrow* Why
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Actually parents are supposed to steal their kid’s Halloween candy; that’s how you prevent cavities.
Flex on your mother in-law by leaving nursing home pamphlets lying around the house.
Liverpool sounds like the most disgusting place in the world to hold a swim meet.
Men are almost twice as likely to tell pollsters that they have a plan for the zombie apocalypse than women. Often before the pollsters even ask.
Author: So, I’ve got this children’s book. It’s about a hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Pass
Author: A VERY hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Go on…
Psssst. You guys. When Canada is sleeping we should sneak up there and remove the all the U keys from their keyboards.
in addition to “block” and “report” there should be a button that tells the user’s mom what they’ve been posting
It feels unfair that my evolutionary nervous system reacts like my toddler is in danger every time he screams at the top of his lungs, when in fact, i just opened his lollipop the wrong way.
Someday you’ll wake up with Mark Zuckerberg in your bed because you neglected to uncheck a box.
Person: Don’t bite the hand that feeds you.
Me: I understand.
*I spend the rest of my life biting the hands of everyone who hasn’t fed me*
[First ever date]
ME: I just didn’t feel a spark
CAVEWOMAN: a what?
Can’t wait to watch the complex manoeuvres that will follow taking the first bite of a corn dog in the middle.
My husband keeps insisting we try 69, but I think we should keep the thermostat at 72 degrees this winter.
People say eye contact is important when flirting, but when I put my finger in someone’s eye they never seem to like it.
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Here-1 sided text conversation between me and my 18yo daughter because all I do is pick her up from places.
[5:45 AM]
Daughter: “Daddy can you make me breakfast?”Me: “Can you not reach your Halloween candy?”
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
No Himalayan cow hoof for me please. I’m yak toes intolerant.
[throws milk at cows]
go be with your family
the beatles really said “i am the walrus, i am the eggman” and the world was like “ok”
*Goes to the gym. Takes a selfie in front of the weights. Leaves.
What’s the point of making people like Paul McCartney and Elton John knights if they’re not going to joust?
Me: *falls down entire staircase*
(20 full seconds of silence)
Dad: …careful.
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about walking down the aisle.
Movies taught me that, when you place a small sentimental item in someone’s hand, you also have to close their hand for them.
My husband fills the Halloween candy bowl early, expecting I’ll have no willpower and eat it all within 4 days, but joke’s on him this year: I haven’t touched it, I keep 2 bags of candy in my night stand.
[Enter password: ] MyPeeeeeeeeenis
[Error: password too long]
*high fives my laptop right off the desk*
Haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching a priest use a crucifix to break up a fight between a raccoon & a telephone repairman?
The best thing about going to my Parents at the weekend is my Mum’s meatloaf.
She can’t do the voice but she looks just like him.
[Sweden’s famous Ice Hotel]
Vinnie: how are we going to break into the vault?
Donnie: leave it to me *screws silencer onto hairdryer*