so you’re saying i have to put these balls in my closet or moths will eat my sweaters? listen to yourself. you sound insane
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By the time he entered rehab, Popeye was more spinach than sailor man.
I tell people my parents are divorced, but technically we lost my mom in a corn maze
The moment my toddler figured out how to open a door was a lot like the raptor kitchen scene in Jurassic Park.
interviewer: and how many years of experience do you have being a sandwich?
i love those posts that are like “would you ruin your life for 1 million dollars???” babe i’m doing it for free
3% human
97% stress
[Getting murdered]
Me: oh no
Murderer: yup
Me: there’s so many dogs I never got to pet
Murderer: oh no
t-shirt is short for “television shirt”
[Toddler 911]
911: what’s your emergency?
Son: it’s naptime.
911: have you tried stalling?
Son: I asked for water.
911: and your favorite stuffed animal?
Son: yep.
911: that toy you shoved under the couch?
Son: they don’t know where that’s at.
911: perfect. ask for that.
*sees someone drop their wallet*
*picks it up and runs after them*Excuse me! EXCUSE ME!
You… *catches breath* Your outfit is hideous
Coaching softball is wild because you get to call timeouts to teach valuable life lessons or sometimes just because your pitcher lost her tooth and she needs you to hold it for the Tooth Fairy.
teaching my 1yo daughter to shout
“Mike Wazowski!” every time someone opens a closet door
In today’s edition of ‘AI isn’t smart enough to kill us yet,’ Dane Cook is trending under Food.
kanye is pretty mean for someone with yay in their name.
I’m so pale… I don’t send nudes, I send transparencies
You’re not with Greenpeace, Kyle, you’re doing Community Service.
I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
Take it from me
Yellow crayons are no substitute for cheese
I did errands without my phone and it took 6 days, 17 hours and 59 minutes less time.
Lower your expectations.
Lower yet.
Keep going.
There.
Hi, I’m Nancy!
I never thought I’d be someone who complains about the quality of the prosciutto on his charcuterie board but here I am…
What kind of therapist does a cat see?
A pspspsychologist
I’m 6 doughnuts away from being the elephant in the room.
*genie appears*
I wish I was rich!
GRANTED! YOU USED TO BE RICH
ok!—wait what?
FOR YOUR SECOND WISH, CONSIDER HAVING PAID ATTENTION IN CLASS
Lied on my résumé and got the hospital job. Hope performing surgery doesn’t come up.
My kids used to love the voice characters I’ve created while reading their favorite bedtime stories.
My wife during our sexy time does not.
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
Boss: I expect total transparency from my staff
Trevor: That’s not always practic—
John the Jellyfish: NO PROBLEM BOSS
Put together a list of the PROS and CONS of pizza for those of you who are on the fence!
“I want to put a baby in you,” I whisper to the microwave over the sound of the infant crying next door.