If I were the person naming diseases, Chronic Lying Disorder would be called Liarrhea.
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CW: The boss said she wanted to see you.
Me: That’s flattering, but I don’t date people from work.
When a guy asks me for pics, I send pics of Margaret Thatcher.
So if you eat what you like and don’t exercise, eventually you get a motorised scooter.
I’m really not seeing the down side here.
calling a guy “my ex”
-not true
-but makes it seem like he was my boyfriendcalling a guy “someone i only slept w 4 times over the course of three weeks but spent 6 months crying over”
-true
-but makes me look pathetic
Can you at least smile if you’re gonna be in the background of my selfie, Doc?
(takes off rubber glove)
“You can pull up your pants now.”
”Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
–MC Hammer giving a Museum tour
guy: you wanna take this outside?
me: yeah, let’s do this
[we take the raspberry lemonade out back and have a simply lovely afternoon]
Get a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.” Wait for people to ask what your tattoo means.
My wife bought 24 Hostess cupcakes for my son to take to school tomorrow for his birthday treat. I didn’t know that’s what they were for. I hope 8 kids are absent tomorrow.
[fire alarm]
Hotel California manager: oh no
Apparently I have to stop yelling ‘dear god why do bad things always happen to good people’ every time my mil walks through the door
B2….
or not B2…
That might be the number.
–Shakespearean Bingo Caller
When you love bacon, but you also love your pet pig:
I’m dealing with my anger issues one chicken wing at a time.
Any party is an ugly sweater party if you’re ugly and you sweat a lot
I’m bathing in hot water with a bunch of vegetables, herbs and spices! The mayor has a big wooden spoon and he’s swirling the water around for me.
I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
Me: I just murdered Frank Sinatra
Cop: What?? He’s been dead for years
Me: I was at the karaoke bar
Cop: Oh I see lol
Me *puzzled* who the hell did I kill?
Me: Bed time
Hotel room: Good luck turning the lights off
Me: Easy. This one
Hotel: No. Bed light
Me: This one?
Hotel: Desk light
Me: This one?
Hotel: LOL You just turned on the curtain lights
Me: WTF? And that light in the wardrobe?
Hotel: 2400lux stadium lighting
Alarm: wake up
melted five butterfingers together and made a butterfist
Fun prank:
Ladies, if your man ever asks “who’s your daddy?” During sex, throw him off by screaming “You’re not my real dad!”
*steps out of the time machine* Me: what year is this?
Wife: Stop playing with the washing machine.
Pretty girl in front of me at Panera ordered a frozen cold brew and before I could stop myself I said, “Ah yes, the coldest brew of all,” and she moved away from me.
WIFE: Where are you off to?
ME: Shits & giggles.
WIFE: What?
ME: I’m gonna read funny tweets on the toilet.
Nurse: strip down to your underpants
Me: ok *removes pants to reveal second pair of pants*
Martin Shkreli in jail: “Can I have an aspirin?”
Jail: “Yes. That will be $197,000.”
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
What I said: Brush your teeth.
What my 4yo heard: Use the toothbrush to clean the bathroom floor.
Believe it or not I’m listening to the Final Countdown in the grocery store. Now you’re hearing it too.
my body: please…eat a vegetable
me: fine
my body: that’s not fried