[first day as astronaut]
*vomits
Me: That’s normal, right?
Instructor: Not during a written exam, no
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Instagram now has video! I’m going to film the hell out of this salad!
Transform chocolate into a balanced meal by eating it standing on one leg WITHOUT falling over. Chocolate yoga: it’s the next big thing.
England’s gonna have a rude awakening when they go to war and all their knights are actors and musicians.
“You deleted your search history. Good move. But you forgot about something…”
*cop gets all up in suspect’s face*
“Targeted. Banner. Ads.”
Craigslist: Meet your soulmate and lose a kidney all in one magical night.
I see you’re busy. I’ll come back and ruin your free time.
If u rob a container store does that count as organized crime?
*pulls pristine, luscious lips out of an ornate golden box*
“Actually, THIS is the mouth I kiss my mother with”
You know the best side effect of losing weight? Supersonic hearing. I can hear the crinkle of a candy wrapper or bag of chips through walls.
When I said ‘You can’t buy my love.’
I meant with your salary.
hungover at 22: dag gonna be 9 minutes late for work
at 39: …finally, to my faithful cat elroy i leave my cache of nagano ’98 olympic pins
Wife: I read my mom that funny tweet you wrote.
Me: Don’t you mean THOSE funny TWEETS?
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: No. No, I don’t.
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
I’m so thrilled hockey is starting I could nap
Been married a few times. Always the bride, never the bridesmaid
The mask helps cover up a bad mood, but my middle finger gives me away.
Which of the f’s in ‘Jeff’ is silent?
“You know a lot of people think you built the pyramids”
The alien trying to abduct me:
why do you have so much Mayonnaise in your fridge
This old man is Lloyd. He spends his time Lloydering.
Wife: How long has 5 been in the tub?
Me: I’m letting her soak before I wash her
Thanks for using our drive through. Please park over there and wait 20 minutes and someone will bring out 85% of the stuff you ordered.
I love going to the gym this time of year because I’m a perfect example of what years of neglect and nachos can do to a body.
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
Show me someone who doesn’t talk back to the TV and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t watch sports or the news.
Being an adult is mostly pretending to like wine and saying “the economy” a lot.
Babies are like tattoos. They’re yours forever and maybe wait a few days before posting pictures of them so they’re not all gross looking.
Me: I just murdered Frank Sinatra
Cop: What?? He’s been dead for years
Me: I was at the karaoke bar
Cop: Oh I see lol
Me *puzzled* who the hell did I kill?
Exes really text you out of nowhere like bro didn’t you cheat on me
out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted
Your preoccupation with Hugh Jackman, Hugh Grant and Hugh Laurie is irritating. Why do you have to make everything about Hugh?