If you’re giving me directions and you say, “Head north,” I’m going to think you mean toward the sky.
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[alien wobbles out of spacecraft]
“Take me to your leader”
[30 minutes later]
Me: So, this is my wife…
Scored a fantastic Christmas gift for my 11 yr old son today. A pass to the trampoline park with 99 visits! He will be thrilled!
However, I didn’t think this through. Someone now has to take him to said trampoline park. NINETY-NINE TIMES.
ME: I have the blood of my enemies on my face and hands
BF: That’s salsa
[last taco on my plate is visibly shaking]
It’s a good thing that our phones only convey sight and sound. No offense, but from most of you I would never want to receive a smelfie!
Kids: Dad why have you never taken us swimming
[thinking of an excuse because I can’t swim]
Me: I got killed by a shark once
I have never “lit up a room” unless you count arson.
It wasn’t no corona till y’all started balancing brooms in the house, y’all let the devil in
Don’t fall in love with your therapist they are crazier than you are.
teacher: we found drugs in your son’s school bag
me: oh wow ok
teacher: it’s worrying
me: very *rubbing chin* he should’ve sold them all by now
Buddhist Monk: thinking is the cause of human suffering so we must let go of the mind. This takes many years
me: you want to lose your mind?
BM: yes
me: and you aren’t allowed to marry and have children
BM: right
me: ah, I see the difficulty
Digging through a box in the closet, I found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was almost a year ago.
Kid, texting: MOM I’M HUNGRY!
Mom: *sends food emojis*
[overhears two people taking about how difficult it is to get into Harvard] *whispers to self* Hardvard
Have kids so you can answer questions like, “Are numbers letters?” and “How old was I when I was 3?”
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
HER: I’ve never known someone to google things during sex
ME: we learned a lot though
HER: you screamed “ostriches are faster than horses”
Humans should grow a new set of teeth in our 30s to make-up for all the poor decisions in our 20s.
Am I the only one who was a kid in the 80’s that thought I would have more life challenges dealing with quicksand and lava?
Friend: *texting* come out tonight
Me: *three days later* who’s gonna be there
It’s not the amount of followers young GRASSHOPPER.
It’s the quality of followers.
Me: You’ll never take me alive.
Executioner: Yeah that wouldn’t make sense.
If I was a witch I would cast vague and subtle spells. So and so never gets to see a rainbow again. That type of stuff.
If you vote for yourself, does something blue appear like when you pee in a pool?
waiter: would you like a soup or salad?
clark kent: [laughs nervously] a super salad? i’ll just have a regular salad please
waiter: alri-
clark kent: [loudly] a regular salad for a regular man
Drinking alone last week
– depressing
– antisocial
– i “have a problem”Drinking alone today at 11 am
– conscientious
– courageous
– saving your nana’s life
[Runs into old school friend]
Him: hey you’re that guy who held weird grudgesMe: And how is my eraser?
Not doing anything with my life is surprisingly time consuming
Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.
When I try to follow a YouTube natural makeup tutorial.