George Washington spent 63% of his salary on alcohol so I guess you could say I have presidential qualities.
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me: I’d wait a lifetime for you
also me: 5 seconds till I can skip the add ? that’s some bullshit right there
when my period ends and i’m done with all the overly emotional outbursts
I just realized how long ago 2008 was, and I’ve decided I don’t like time any more
We now return to ‘CANADIAN SNIPER’
*canadian sniper shoots an enemy*
*canadian sniper yells ‘sorry’ from far away*
Picked my son up after his second day of kindergarten computer class. He said he just watched Wild Kratts because he learned everything about computers in the first class. “I’m an expert. I can do your job now,” he said. To his credit, that was Monday & my boss hasn’t noticed.
My wife’s yoga class is really relaxing…
‘Cuz she’s usually gone for at least two hours.
Math never tried to solve any of my problems.
most german shepherds don’t know much german at all and are relieved when you try english
OTHER BOY: why are we all here anyway
ME: I think it’s for the milkshakes
LACTOSE INTOLERANT BOY IN THE YARD: oh no
[HONK HONK]
…one more honk and I’m gonna…
[HONK]
*gets out of my car*
*walks to the car behind me*
*feeds the driver’s goose some bread*
College is expensive, BUT your student ID saves $3 at the movies. So really it pays for itself if you go to the theater 30,000 times.
[Ariel climbs Rapunzel’s hair with a dinglehopper between her teeth]
“There can only be one socially awkward Princess,” she vows savagely.
Friend: I get my kids to eat their vegetables by making up cute names like ‘caulipower’ and ‘broccoli trees’.
Me: I get my sons to eat their vegetables by saying, “Eat your damn vegetables.”
Reported my coworker to HR for sleeping on the job. I work from home. My dog is my coworker. I’m HR.
That one time (today) I stabbed my eyeball with the stick part of my sunglasses.
the hardest part of taking nudes is cleaning your room
The children seemed disappointed when I told them the best part about being an adult is going to bed early.
[in basement lab]
wife: you cant just make your own honey
me: (mouth dry, spitting pollen everywhere) I know that now Lisa.
I’m not gullible enough to be lured into a cult but I am nosy enough
Just hear me out, a blood oath, but with melted cheese.
3,026 years from today, life will either be really good or really bad.
It’s 5050.
reverse girlcow, because i’m drunk.
My in-laws visited today.
FIL: when I was a kid I stole a candy bar from a store.
My 8yo: then why are you here shouldn’t you be in jail?
I love my son.
Sharks don’t kill people. Tornados with sharks kill people.
“Hello welcome to meteorologist school. Please stick your head out of the nearest window and pick your diploma up on your way out.”
“Live each day like it’s your last”
Wow okay but that’s A LOT of flipping the bird at everyone
Best Mother’s Day ever started with my 2.5yo sleeping in till 7:30am and falling asleep at 5:30pm!
me: what’s your name?
alien: it cannot be pronounced by your earth tongue
me: is it jeff?
alien:
me:
alien: I didn’t know you could do j sounds it actua—it is jeff
I almost cut my finger off cutting some celery to eat and all I could think is this never happens with cupcakes.
I’m so proud of myself. I went to Costco hungry and only spent $17,000.